It's Life!

Everyday I live as if its the end today, wont have to and get to see tomorrow. Doesnt mean I am living to the fullest! No... Not at all! Not optimising my living... rather wondering on the purpose of existence. Infact thats more of an issue... I dont know why I am doing what I am doing, but I know I am not doing good to myself, neither to people around! Internal drives seem completely missing! Cant wake up my inner being which seems to have gone for a vacation right now! The inner connect with art, dance, music, travel, adventure... everything is faded. I see only fog covering it right now. Maybe the fog will go off... but when I dont know! Dont seem to have paitence at all... The black spidey has taken over again! but its not evil... its weak! its dead! I vent out this on a forum just not the right one! Aggression and Implusiveness just bursts and bursts in bits and pieces... No one can solve anything. Actually there is nothing to solve. Its just me and my state of mind which isnt the way it should be thats kind of getting out of my hand. Dont want to stop it! Nah! Its become one more way of living! Wonder why I have to see the morning sun everyday! Nah... its not pessimissm, its not some demotivation crap... Its a frame of mind which is not ready for alteration. It knows the consequences, it knows the effects, it knows the causes... yet its quiet, its dead! Reading this book... "I'm Ok, You'r Ok" and read this part today where I found that in the 1st yr of your birth, you form either of the 3 life positions... the 4th one is when you alter it when you start understanding. Very interesting to relate... coz What I am today, is coz what I formed when I was one year old. Seems like wow! and that jus makes me wonder... wish I knew this when I was one, would have chose the position which wouldnt be as helpless as it is today. Now its not clutter any more in the head... Its rights and wrongs! I dont see grey, I dont the RGB shades, No! I dont! I just see the black and white and thats what I am making of my living! Dieing or living I dont know... but I dont blame it on anyone except me!I am responsible for every second that counts in my heartbeat. I make it or I break it, I am the king! and I am the queen! I play the cards and loose the game... but I wake up to say... I like dieing more than killing! :)