It's Life!

Last month of the year!... 11 months have gone by already...
The year gone by setting deadlines for each month... n it just passed by without really living it!
This just dawned on!
Imagery that I had formed in all these years about self was of being a solider... to fight from the front n I even thought m fighting now as well...
But today in just a conversation with a friend my eyebrows raised n it ticked in the head...
knock knock... whats up?... who r u?...
n I hear a voice from within saying... "boss... u r an escapist!"...
umm huh! wat! is it!.... yeah!....
what m I escaping from!
from dealing with what life is throwing!!!
oh gosh... can i believe tht!... well yeah!... got to! nothing is real, nothing has meaning... yet!!!!
Going back... it seems took life for granted... looked at every month as a new sunshine of hope to deal with what the start of the year threw on me!
But the darkness only got darker... and so one day... made a choice...
well... I chose to escape!
Everyone except me can see that m escaping... but I even want to be blind to seeing that I am escaping! freaking... its leading no where! Just adding a mile more to darkness...
Took decisions which turned around life upside down... only to realise thats my road to escapism!
Down on knees n can see... m no soldier anymore... no black spidey anymore...
Just a piece of life with a beating heart and some bloody hope!

One by one... Layer by layer... a building is getting built...
Like the redevelopment projects of new buildings by many builders going around in the city... this one's the latest going on...
this one's also a redevelopment project...
an old building which had developed some cracks but was still worth living is demolished coz a new building is being built in its place...
layer by layer, floor by floor... its getting built... just that the name of this new building is "frustration"... it has the capacity to become the tallest building coz it has soo much to hold on to...
its built with high quality cement of the latest brand called "negativity"...
I dont like to write on low tides all the time now... but thats all thts being going around.
cant see any way out... is the glass unclean or its really so bad?... dont knw!
but its jus that this spiral swril around is pulling down all the energies big time.
Newspapers are filled with rapes and murders, News channels are filled with wat worst the ruling parties and their opposition parties are doing to pull down each other, People think the world is a bloody dustbin so garbage and spitting can be done just anywhere they please, Realtionships are breaking for issues that are negligible but now unhandleable, divorce rates, breakup rates, stress levels are like the layers of this building... they are jus making the building look more and more posh! bloody hell...
Dont knw whether I am the only one whose head is so loaded all the time and the forehead just doesnt seem to ease up... but I knw that its getting a little too much on the plate now...
If its like just a phase... then this phase seems endless... it jus doesnt phase out! Everytime u feel cant get worst than this... u r proved wrong... coz bad to worse happens over and over again...
Asking questions, analysing like where did I go so wrong? What have I done so wrong in lifetime that this is whats happening?... these are quite obvious and normal expressions... but they dont help... they only make it worse! Questions remain unanswered and everyday there seems progress... there is rise everyday... in the level of helplessness!

At most times it seems like there is just No way out... Just no way out... Everything that you do to look for a way is blocked, cant see any way... makes me wonder... is there a way?
Would the dark tunnel ever see some light... ?
But its strange that inspite of all these layers of frustration... there is something within which is burning and doesnt allow me to believe that there wouldnt be a way and so there is something called "Hope"... which lives stronger...
Where is all this headed... dont knw!
Sometimes when u walk in this crowded city or drive along the heavy traffic roads... it gives a feel that everyone is just waiting for one thing... waiting to die! coz thats the only thing that we know... that it happens! everything else is just illusion... based on hope or self strenght or watever!
I look at prayers as strenght frequencies, a way to reach out to people...
Probably thats one Freedom anyone and everyone has...!
Wish that no more relationships break, no more marriages break, people become responsible and there is atleast a little more percentage of smiles than the cries.
Just thinking aloud... and exhaling a deep breath of hope!

Sometimes its a low tide in life...
Confidence on self goes for a toss... every decision glares on the face as if why the f*** were they taken!
Trust on people round seems as if it never exsisted!
Fear takes over and thats it... fear becomes reality then!
Like a low tide in the sea... water becomes very far... similarly life suddenly seems far...
A volcano eruption within that is unexplained, un-understood by anyone, unimaginable... erupts!
Its the same expression of fear that the little boy of Taare Zameen Pe portrays. Curled in fear, unable to handle the staring eyes, scared and feeling worthless!
Just some times its a low tide in life...

Its Diwali all over again! A festive moment & the lights on the streets bring a twinkle in my eye!

But here have come around to write on a different perspective to the emotion called "love"!
Seeing this emotion from far, now, I can start to see its nuances... the little things that I never knew were also a part of it. Now I just see this feeling as it is and hence this angle to it...

I see that in love you become selfish. Thats so very ironical a statement itself. On one hand Love is like the second name to Give, to spread happiness, to love and spread love. And on its second side... its selfish.
Love is like a slow drug... it gets you in a temporary high where you arent even aware of whats happening. Its like that para from the song of KHNH... "Cheezein Mein Rakh Ke Bhool Jaati Hoon, Bekhayaali Mein Gungunati Hoon, Ab Akele Mein Muskuraati Hoon, Badli Hui Si Meri Ada Hai... Kuch To Hua Hai, Kuch Ho Gaya Hai"... yeah thats exactly Love! You arent you when in love and guess thats why you dont even realise when it makes you selfish.
You start to think only about the person you love and what and how you can do to be a better and better partner. You forget that there used to be a life beyond your partner. Your partner becomes ur life! Nothing else matters! Noone else matters! Even though you say that no, nothings changed... u knw u r lieing! coz the whole world inside you and around you has already changed! Its like a volcano thats erupted within you... a volcano of sudden happiness, high, feeling good, feeling beautiful, being great!

Suddenly, like the structural changes that an earthquake brings on earth, similarly... Love brings such structural change in our lives. Along with making you feel on the top of the world, it takes you away from a lot of individuals who mattered in your life some time ago... and the best part about this is... you dont even realise this is happening! Coz for you, you are still the same, and that it isnt your fault that u r in love, u feel people around you should understand that... but strangely enough... you arent the same! and so obviously the people around you arent the same!
You are the same, no doubt... but your way of looking at these same people alters. Coz now before anyone comes your partner... every person who mattered so much till yesterday, comes second to your partner. It makes you think only about your partner, which ideally means, thinking about your self! Coz u start to feel you are worthless without ur partner... u cant live without ur partner etc etc etc... call it the standard operating principals of love! :)
Suddenly self becomes bigger than people, things, events, moments that mattered till yesterday! I saw this side of Love now and realised that this is an avoidable side of love if you realised it at the correct moment! But generally its not easy to realise this side of love esp when in love!

Nothing wrong with any of this... Not critizising this emotion... I love, Love! Its a feeling I wish everyone gets to feel... coz the high that it gets one into is much more than any drug or any other emotion... its even higher than pain! guess thats why we love to fall in love! coz even pain starts to look beautiful in love!
Rightly said... sometimes u got to be out of the court and see how well you can play and how well you can avoid the mistakes!
Love can be just Love! Let it be there! :)

3 Months! The Game is on! Playing Full out!

Without getting attached to the results,
Without keeping expectations of the outcome,
Without getting pulled down everytime the storm hits back,
Without letting the energies fade with the occuring world,

With Fire in the belly to play it full out,
With Unstoppable positivity that can overcome every negativity,
With Universe all ready, eagerly waiting to fulfill my dream,
With strenght that overpowers every weak thought, every weak moment,
With a high thats gonna last forever, thats gonna take over every low, big or small,
With confidence, determination, commitment and ready to enjoy victory!

Operating from the place called "Love",
Standing for the place called "Love",
Living a game, playing the game... all set to just play full out!
and leave no stone unturned, no regret behind, no option but to win! ...
Yes... Who I am is the Possibility of Power... Power in Love!
Space around is powerful to operate from Love... Nothing left to withold now, nothing left to loose!
Its a place to stand, a place where power needs power, coz its the place of "Love",
Which has power in itself to either pull u up to a +200, but also equal power to pull down to a level -600. Thats the power Love carries... unimaginably magical!
Chose to stay with +700... come what may!!!
coz When you really really want something... the entire universe conspires to get u to achieve it! There is only thing possible now... being Unstoppable!
Just playing full out!!!

Everytime I stand up there is this pull that pulls back down.

Stuck! Stopped! Static!...
Yeah thats how life gets many a times...
Taking action is nowhere in ur scheme of things. Guilt takes over coz planning of work is done but no action is taken. Give it words... I am procastinating taking action or I am lazy or I just didnt do it! period!
But what happens after that!...
This space is uncomfortable... its restless... its a weird hollowness that sets within!
is it that life itself is so quickly replaceable that u feel jus let it be... why to even bother life... when its so easy to replace it! The place the finger took in the water is going to get replaced in a second when the finger is removed from water... then why bother! finger is as it is going to be replaced! then why bother about life!
sometimes its a feeling tht this is it!... no more than this moment! and yet again... another moment comes in... another game to play... another breakdown to deal with it!
playing this game and dealing to move and not be stuck!

A castle was built in a far far land... This castle had a window from where a lot of breeze would enter and make this place worth dieing for. Anyone who came in the castle could never leave without falling in love with this breeze. Just like gravitational force pulls towards the ground... similarly this breeze had a magical pull which no one could be spared from. One day someone inside the castle dared to challenge this occuring that had now become a reality. A new fight began in the castle.
An occuring that had never occured, never even been thought of in dreams began. Now the breeze had to face resistance which it never faced till now. It had to prove itself which it never thought will have to do. Inspite of knowing that it only does good, it had to fight. It had never hurted anyone, rather it has only done good to the castle, it had made it a place worth living in and worth dieing for. And now suddenly the castle said "I have my own reasons, I need to part and move ahead, I know and acknowledge that u have done good and will continue that but its time to move ahead to progress from breeze to probably something more than that." Breeze didnt understand why is this happening, it is doing its every bit to do the best it can to only spread happiness, peace and so much of love and yet here is someone who says I really love your existence but I dont want you now.
It began rebelling, resisting, it became unhappy itself, it started to loose its own power because its focus shifted from making the castle a place worth dieing for to its own survival. It began to resist, it didnt want to accept that someone who was acknowledging its presence is saying that it should leave now. It just didnt want to accept that inspite of being so powerful in itself it was dependent on someone else to take what it was giving. It started to see that if there were no takers, who would it give. It became sad, lost its charm, it felt its better to die than to leave a place it lived for. Its focus was on "why is this happening to me, I dont doesnt deserve this, I cant be stopped by someone for whom I only kept giving and giving", it lost its earlier focus of "I accept you the way you are and the way you are not, I will accept you as rude and I will accept you as being not nice". Its focus had shifted from castels happiness to its own desires. It now only wanted to be there, come what may. Its complete focus was on self now.
It wasnt anymore doing what it used to, of making the castle worth living in and worth dieing for. Now that it wasnt even doing its real job, it was very easy to be asked to leave. It had to go... Now this breeze was wandering alone, tired and almost dead, powerless and hurt. It started to blame every occuring around it for its such a sad state. It couldnt see any way out. It wanted to again start giving itself the way it used to, it wanted to but was stuck to the thoughts of why why why did all that happened, that happened. It kept on thinking and drowning, why this happened when inpsite on it only thinking and doing good. It just couldnt accept what had happened. It knew that even the castle had not left it, rather the castle also wanted it back but didnt want such a dead, tired breeze.
Nothing was working out. Everything was stuck. Neither the breeze, nor the castle wanted to accept what actually occured. This unplesantness carried on for a lot many months. Both unhappy, both wanting to be together but not in the setting it was earlier in. The breeze could have got the castle back and the castle could have got the breeze back but neither of them wanted to accept the other with these new changes. Breeze wanted to stay with the castle forever and all the time, but the castle only wanted the breeze for sometime in the day, it didnt want it forvever.
Now... what the real test... Castle asked the breeze to come along, come back and make my place worth living for and worth dieing for but dont expect to be within me all the time... You will be there only for sometime... Ha! What a moment in the life of the breeze... It wanted to be spreading its energy, love, peace and happiness all the time but the castle only wanted some part of it... Breeze wanted to give itself fully but the castle didnt want to take it fully. Now was the time for the breeze to prove its real purpose of existence. If its existed is to make the castle worth living in and worth dieing for... so be it! that is it! thats what it should do, but now how! how with all this baggage of all the hurts, blames and insecurities would it be able to do its bit.
It felt like it was playing a lost game... nothing would be the way it was and neither it will be satisfactory enough for future... it was just a lost game... It became scared, didnt want to deal, felt like jus dissolving into ashes in that moment itself. It just didnt want to deal, it didnt want to accept that the castle did want it but not the way it used to be. It felt terrible about itself. It got scared to be hurt further, all it wanted in that moment was to get DISSOLVED INTO ASHES... so tht it doesnt have to deal with anything... there was only fear gripping it... it wanted to take it off but it couldnt, it was too scared... It wanted to tell the castle how much it mattered that it be within the castle all the time... but the castle just didnt want it... Disheartened... it was resting for a while and thats when it occured to it... When there is 100% Acceptance and 0% Expectation... thats when its existence will be worth it! thats when it will leave the castle touched, moved and inspired by its presence instead of just having its need. It woke up... gathered its broken pieces and decided to create a space of freedom where the castle can be wat it is and only thats when its real purpose of existence will be fullfilled.
The tuffest part was crossing this chasm when all it wanted to do is Dissolve into ashes leaving behind everything and not have to deal with anything. Breeze got to be tuffer coz its game is getting tuffer... Hopefully it will... coz it knws its purpose... its purpose is not to own the castle... but to be with the castle when it needs it and to spread its wings of happiness and energy inside the castle.

The dark clouds moved apart and gave way to the possibility of light which was like a distant dream all this while. Many a times this dark tunnel seemed never ending, infact the deeper we went, the darker it became. Its true... you need to experience death to experience life all over again!
A friend made this statement yesterday... "There is only Good that will happen from here!"... and I so rightly believe it now!
Just so true... Everything arises out of language!!!... Reality doesn’t exist... we create it!
A world of infinite possibilities is glaring right in the eye... The road will get tuffer but ready and all set to explore infinity! coz tough times don’t last... tough people do!
Living this moment... coz life is in the NOW, in this moment!
Glad to have people around who stood like pillars in this journey of the dark tunnel! Wishing the best for everyone who adds power to existence!
Just cant thank god enough for my best friend's happiness who once said this to me n also believed in it fully... "HOPE DOEST DIE ANY DAY IN ANY ONE, IT JUST DRIES UP FOR SOMETIME, IT EMERGES ONLY WHEN IT SEES A HOPE OF LIGHT IN THE VERY DARK ROOM WHERE IT RESIDES."
Its the beginning of the end of the dark tunnel!!! :)

Keep saying this with a lot of melo drama a lot of times...
Ya sansarik jeevanchi moh-maya... mala nako!!!
Sometimes when I am conversing or just being myself... I feel everything around me is an illusion of my thoughts... its only maya... nothing is real...
I feel I am sleeping and seeing a dream... and all that it occuring around me is happening in my dream... I am not real, I am an illusion of my thoughts, a part of my dream...
Yeah... sounds philosophical or spiritual types but can really feel that way many a times...
Was watching Ramayan and few days ago in this episode... someone says...
One has to give up 3 things to attain peace of mind... Lobh (Greed), Moh (Love) and Bhay (Fear)... It sounds big but it stands true for each of us and the best part is... we all know of it already! But is it possible in today's scenario???
I dont agree to the concept that mind is at peace when in silence, meditative posture etc etc... Rather if Peace of mind is attained when walking on a road divider which heavy noise, traffic coming towards and going way on both sides then its more powerful.
Its strange, we feel we are all different... but actually we arent!... catch random conversations around you and you will see that too... we are all, almost same... each of us fears the person sitting next to us and conveniently forget that even that person is fearing us! When you listen to random conversations of people... someone in the train, someone in office, someone on road... you will always be able to relate to it... coz end of the day we all talk the same things, same topics, same issues, the same bloody moh-maya's!!!
Right now the whole world seems to be going through a tsunami within... negativity spreading much faster than any kind of postivity, 1 bad v/s 10 goods is catching up faster, lows pulling down all the energies we have... as if its like the gravitational force pulling us down, a constant clash of thoughts and heart within! We hear... market is bad, there is recession, there are no jobs, its become an employers market, there are bills outstanding, no money to pay salaries, companies to shut down, its a bear market, no one wants to spend, prices of everything is rising high, the big shots have lost jobs, etc etc etc... Do we really need to be listening to all this?
Yah its easier said than done... esp when the gravitational force of this low is much faster than any upswing!
We are in this "loose-loose" state (the 4th of the Life Positions)... where if I loose, I want the other to loose too... so that if it hurts, both of us are hurt together... We get used to a phase so quickly, now when I read xxx job cuts, xxx companies closed etc etc, I dont even feel a pinch inside anymore... quite a similar situation to how its become when we read xxx people dead, xxx people injured, bomb strike here, terrorist attack here etc etc... We are in the amazing lazy comfort zone where it only stinks but we got used to the stink as well! So... I loose, i am ok with it... but on the condition that u loose as well! Can see where are we headed... infact all of us see that in our sub-conscious mind... we can see existence ending because of us continuing to be this way like forever now! I have been saying this in a little more melo dramatic way... Duniya nasht hojayegi... very soon... and at that time it wont matter kiska bill bharna baki hai, kiska salary dena ya lena baki hai, kisko kisse problem hai, kaun kisse baat nahi karta!!! who will care about all this when its all ending!!! when survival and existence will be a question!? So strange is all this... but its far more stranger that we are all aware, we are present to this state of our life yet yet yet we are only moving deeper into the low and letting our energies get pulled!
Yeah... thats how the sansarik jeevanchi moh-maya is... Inherently a living being craves for being loved, wanted and supported. How can one break that is so natural to each of us! We move out of relationships, be cruel to people we loved, etc etc but end of the day what matters is to love and be loved... yeah... the moh-maya of people for people! We can get over materialistic moh-maya but what about the people we love! We need them, then why do we resist them when people want to be there for us!
A friend told me this story about Mahavir Bhagwan… in which he avoids doing what he intended to do just so that because of his action somebody else’s sins don’t add up! A thought opened up for me… Our actions, expectations lead to somebody else’s sins… like we keep saying… How could he/she do this to me? We make that he/she a reason for our sadness… and dhooofff… that’s the frequency we emitted… now this circle will be completed by that he/she through their deeds or sins… Its the Circle of Life... Right here, Right Now! How strange is this working of the moh-maya!!!
Have been seeing... a new way to live has been forming up because of this recession thing thats going around... its "LOL on urself!" Yeah... we laugh on ourselves on our jobless, salaryless, relationshipless conditions... make a joke out of everything and anything thats not going the way we wanted it to be... reduces the stress, pain and helps us live one more day in this state!
A lot of shit is happening around.... Each of us a negligible part of the shit... but just like a drop of water fills the whole ocean... a little shit from us fills the whole negative world!
Being a player on the court as well as a spectator to this game of life and wondering....
whats next!!!

Am I different from myself?
Situations and enviornment around makes me think... With 2 eyes, 2 ears, I doubt, am I blind or dumb to not see? or Is it to do with selective seeing or what?
Some say you should read between the lines... some say thats too much of analysing!
My freinds tell me I analyse too much but here I see that I dont even see the obvious!
Is it to do with weak data interpretation and critical reasoning skills or its just that I only see what I want to!
We all know, whats right and wrong according to you isnt the same way according to others... then why do we all keep judging and concluding and assuming from what is seen to the eye!
when you cant see what you want to see, everything seems so complex and you find yourself entangled in its complexity. Struggling and fighting to get a way but stuck in the vision you want to see and hence its impossible to see beyond the vision!

Have been thinking about People profiles since quite some time...
Wonder whether do people like what they do?
If someone asks me what is my profession... I say HR... and then the next obvious question... so what do you do as an HR?... and I am blank... I wonder why I dont have a concerete answer to it... I thought this was only with me but asked a few more freinds from different professions and they too had similar thoughts... why is generally so difficult to explain what you do!? I start to think what is an HR supposed to do, what did i read in the MBA books... ok... so its supposed to be recruitment, performance apprisal, training, employee engagement etc etc... what jargons! Makes me wonder... is it that only I find all this so weird or its a a world wide phenomena to find it difficult to decribe what you do!?

We all keep cribing... I dont like my job! I dont like my boss! I dont like the tasks that I am handling! I dont like etc etc etc etc... basically a professionally dissatisfied person!
but is it really so!? With experience I have started to think... Jasa dista tasa nasta... there is something more to it than what meets the eye!
Think if someone out there who created borunvita, if he was also caught by this dissatisfaction loop then what would I have drunk everyday morning and felt so energised about!
Everything... from the toothbrush to the clothes we wear to the shoes, to the bottle in which we drink water, to the pen we use to write to this keyboard I am using to type right now to this blogger site to this everything just everthing!!! Its all created by someone we need to Thank!
Then come to services... we all provide service... as an HR I am supposed to provide service to say a new joinee by helping him/her cope with a new place.. similarly the services we use throughout the day... do people really like to provide it?
I wonder what gets people to do what they do!? True... we are all bound by the choices we make... the beggar on the road is a beggar by choice more than by force... just the way I am an HR by choice... then why is there so much of dissatisfaction about these same choices we make ourselves!
Would the guy selling books at andheri station really like doing that? He isnt even educated enough to read the titles! Would the guy providing the service of polishing your shoes really like doing that? Would everyone around you and me like doing what they are doing??? Guess yes! Guess not! but what matters is they choose to do what they are doing!
I went to this Print shop to get few pics printed, the vendor looking at one of the pic exclaimed Oh this place!!!... I said ya we visited to hang out for a day... and the guy looks as me with a look I cant forget... he says I live there... Its a 6 hour travel everyday for him to get to reach that print shop! I was speechless for a moment... and wondered would this guy really want to come so far to work everyday!!!
Maybe not! When we hear such instances, when we see someone begging, someone selling chana chor garam on the road, we say maybe he didnt have any other choice! Would that be the case... ?
I am not sure whats the distinction between... Thats the choice! and Thats the choice coz there is no other choice! We say we are ruled by the choices we make!
Even the choice of chosing something coz there is no other choice is also a choice we are making!!! End of the day we stand in our own shoes and live that unhappy choice! How strange na!
But thats Life!... Is it really!?

Completed a quarter of a life today!
Never thought that will have to live a day like today.
Wanted to write soo much. Had thought that on this day I will write about my journey of a quarter but just dont feel like writing at all.
Tough times... hoping they pass away soon!

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together
Oh yeah... And all my love
We're holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far...

Guess these are the effects of nearing a quarter!
Looking back at the quarter of a life...
and really... I wonder how? I wonder why? I wonder where they are... The days we had!
I feel the wetness of the sand under my feet which just became wet coz the sea flew over it...
I breath the freshness of the soil which just got wet coz it rained over it...
I feel the water of the waterfall over my face which makes me feel heavenly...
I fly as I ride my activa which makes me feel free...
Yeah... and I live my memories all over again... which make me stand on my feet today!
Freinds... acquantainces.... crushes... relationships...
Feels like 25 yrs of life is static and I am the only one... walking pass it... as if living it all over again!
The first freind! the first cycle! the first crush! the first competition! the first late remark! the first project! the first team leading! the first stage performance! the first goof up! the first stand! the first decision! and the list goes on...
Just reliving! Hitting the Refresh button again and again!
Its a sinking feel! a strange hollowness as well as completeness as the same time! Contradicting life itself, thoughts itself... feelings itself!
But yeah... as I ride on my activa today at the speed of 77kph! (the maximum I ever reached till now)... I revive life... wonder on the stand I have taken! wonder on my own self... didnt know there was so much strenght hidden within! wonder on the contradictory package deal I chose... utmost strenght to stand along with deep unbearable pain!
Strange... really very strange is this circle of life! Cant understand whats life upto most of the times! There is soo much of it happening in just a short span of quarter of a life... twists, turns, u-turns and just complications increasing at a speed higher than what I ride my bike!
Looking at it as if I was standing still in front of a picture... This picture had me running through this entire span in just a second... and then once again I wonder...
Really...
I wonder how? I wonder why? I wonder where they are?....
The days we have...
The songs we sang together...
Oh yeah... And all my love
We're holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far
So I say it in a breath
Hope my dreams will take me there...

I am sure... my dreams will take me there!!!
There... where I chose to go!

Every dark tunnel has light at its end!!!
Its the wait.... sometimes feels like the darkness is gonna end very soon, the light is jus round the corner... and sometimes feels like its the long long tunnel which will take some more time for the light, but it doesnt seem like its never ending!... coz light exsists at its end!
Its just the wait in this tunnel which consumes up all the energy, pulls you down till u r dead, gets you on your knees, kills you till you are ready to give up coz the pain is unbearable!
Its the fight with the wait!
But its the way to go... to see the light... to smile once again when the light will fall on the face!
Can see possibilties, can see brightness, can see the world singing once again, can see the feet dancing away to unstoppable cheer... can see it all... when I see the light in the eyes of my faith!
The warrior and the soldier, both are on the battlefield called life... yeah! fighting... sometimes with strenght, sometimes in pain, sometimes with a smile, sometimes bruised yet not dead, sometimes with the black spidy dress, sometimes injured, sometimes bang on... right there!!!
The darkness will fade off and the light will take over... It has to... it has no option but to! :)
coz... Every dark tunnel has light at its end!

Coincidently listening to this song right now and feels as if its a line tailor made for this blog!...
Ruk jaana nahi tu kahi haar ke...
kaato pe chal ke milenge saaye bahar ke....!!!

Wondering! Whats the matter?
Man is killing Man!
What for?
Voilence against women, rape, terrorism... what!?
I see this huge zoparpatti from my window... when I am sad I look outside and I see I dont have anything to be sad about as much as the people living in them... there would be some woman getting beaten up, there would be someone stealing from some house, there would be some child abuse happening... and I see my reasons to be sad are too less than everything and everyone around me.
I am lucky... born as a normal human being, no physical or mental disabilities, have a bed to sleep, food to eat, parents who love unconditionally, friends who are there when I almost give up, and yet... I dont understand whats the matter???
I see only pain, only helplessness, only fear in everything, everyone around me...
The whole daam earth... earlier my eyes were limited to think about only my city, then it expanded and became country and then it became the world and now its earth... its the universe... its everything that exists! everything that exists! Love exists and so does pain.
I dont like to smile coz I feel I can feel the pain around... like a bloody fire catching up on the whole same universe... everything that exists!
In this span of life I lived... learnt a lot of things, believed in a lot of things but always wondered... why? whats the matter? what exists?
Is it the "Deeds" that we go around in... dont want to belive on the beliefs, dont want to google, dont want to fear! Fear of what!??? Fear of doing??? Fear of paying up for a deed once done???
Fear of what???
Death... the only truth... Fear of death?... Fear that one day will have to give up pain... one day will have to give up on a day in which could make one more smile... Fear of what???
I say I take responsibility for my life, my decisions, my choices... Really!???
Fear of what??? responsibility??? to live by the choice??? what???
We stick to something, someone... religion... the external forces... so that we can be fearless.... Heard some lady baba saying on tv... if u do this u will get this, if u dont do this u will not get this... everything is bloody negative, conditional.... everything...
and worst worst worst worst part is....
everyone can see it... everyone feels exactly the same way... everyone knows it... and yet... there is Fear!!!
How do u live wit it? what do u let go? living for the sake of living? doing a favor on life? on exsistence? what for?
breakfree... from what??? how long???
Fear creeps in faster!!!

Its this wave I see, I feel, I hear, I sense...
call it generation wave 24-25...
Its when my aged people are in the same boat...
some married, some enagaged, some divorced, some commited, some pregnant, some with kids, some seeing guys/girls for marriage, some preparing for marriage, some fighting it hard with parents for their approval, some preparing for honeymoon... and there are some more...
Some going through the worst phases of their lives... atleast thats what each of us of this generation feel that this is like the worst sitution of our lives...
Its the wave of chosing your partners yourself, taking responsibility of living with those partners instead of leaving it on parents...
Its the wave of waiting, holding on, testing paitence...
My married freind told me... "Relationships r no different... whether married or not... the only difference is that I have a mangal sutra and I physically live with the man I fight with"
Everyone around me, associated to me are going through almost the same time... whether its in terms of relationships or professional lives... have either identified the partner and so trying hard to get him/her, or going through rejections and reuninciations from their partners for the same reasons that everyone has... differences!, or waiting for the partner to come back, or waiting for the parents approval, or waiting to get a life...!!!
Relationship status changes... from unmarried to married, from single to commited, from one sided to both involved... but the emotions dont change... they are the same everywhere... the heart talks its language in the same way...
I dont really believe that marriage is what makes one commit. I live by commitments and stand for it... a maang ka sindoor and mangal sutra cannot force a commitment if they geniunely didnt want to be together... You commit if you want to commit and once you do... thats it!... there is no backing out then.... whether its working, not working, whether there are differences to deal with, fights and misunderstandings, the killer silence therapies or fireworks sounds... you learn to live with it all... coz its your word! your commitment! your stand!
Life looks like a hoax, a joke, a ridiculous game, completely hollow if you then back out from your commitement.
Dealing is obviously the most difficult part of life... easiest is to escape by saying its not working, so let me back out now before it gets too late and we get further involved! How far can you run this way, how many relationships can u escape this way, how far can u run!? how far!? coz one day... will be your day! and you will have to deal with whats there... instead of whats not there!
Reminds me of the dailouge from Runaway bride... though not the exact words but vaguaely... "I gurantee that one day either one or both of us will definately want to get of out this relationship, it will be that tuff... but if we dont get together than I will regret it more than anything else"... Thats exactly what happens... we get into relationships and than cant handle it, cant maintain it and hence get out of it thinking we dont deserve this stress but if we hold on in such times only then we realise there was so much more to it than just seeing the differences!
I look around and feel drained coz I see almost everyone going through this...
On the flip side I feel... its good that all of us in this age group is going through these times together... coz only then we can stand by each other! Not that anyone can reduce anyones pain... each of us has to go through our set of pain ourselves only, no one can exchange their shoes of pain... but what we as together can do is... support to "hold on", support each other to "hold on"!
Guess the key word of this gen wave is "hang on"... "wait for a while"... "be patient"... Let life find its way out itself instead of you trying to push it in a way that it leads to either isolation or destruction!
A freind told me "we loose soo many precious moments to live because we cling to our little ego or state of stuck mind when something doesnt happen the way we wanted"... I realised it over and over again when many a times I saw myself stuck in a situation and once I got out of it, I felt I could have lived it in a much better way... I lost that moment coz I was stuck when I was in it!
When you look back... you just see that soo much of your life could have been lived with so much more cheerness, but when in that situation we couldnt see a possibility beyond it... but now when out of it, you know that you can deal it better, you can create a better possibility when in similar situations again!
Happy to be a part of this gen coz can feel a connect to almost everyone who is going through the same times or happier times or worst times... Its time, to give time, time!
Will fight this wave thats draining our gen completely... will hold on!
afterall... its the choice of living by a commitment made!!!
I am responsible for my commitment! Gonna complete almost a quarter life very soon! Its taken me a quarter life to understand the value of friends, of said words, of what exists!
I acknowledge and thank every individual's contribution to a quarter of my life...!
In some form or the other this gen is touching lives... ready to make a difference! ready to live for a stand! ready to make a wave... ready to hold on! :)
Its true that no one is indispensible... everyone lives, whether someone is along with u or not, u have to live, whether by complusion or by choice, but u live... Mom used to tell me "aangli jal ma thi nikle aane eeni jayga purai jai! - its jus means that put a finger in the water and then get it out... the place that ur finger took is taken by the water and the place is filled"... it just explains how dispensible each of us are... yet we value so much of the existence in our surroundings.
Thats what I call beauty of life!

Amidst all that I am trying to deal internally... here was a cut & break day.
One's mom was suffering from cancern...
One's grandfather was on death bed and needed medicines worth 2000/- everyday...
One got married yesterday...
One is getting married tomorrow...
One is leaving for honey moon today...
One is a sole earning member...
One just joined a month ago, not even got on the rolls even once...
One was filled with angast on why rules are different...
One was worried about long hours to spend...
One was in tears asking some consideration to be given to the ones outside...
One lives alone, doesnt even have a family to go to share this low with...
One doesnt have anything more left here, so will move out...
One and more... and One by one... everyone...
A day of cuts and breaks... a day 03-03-09... I dealt with. Put up this very strong, insulated me for the whole day... and infact even managed to do that...
but as I walked home alone... started to relive every moment of the day and then couldnt stop from not relating to humanity...
Was amidst of what I am resisting since quite some time. I refuse to accept the state I am in. I refuse to. I know I am resisting...
3 things one can do... either accept, or give up/in, or resist...
Inspite of knowing that resisting will only increase the needle pricking pain that goes deep inside... yet I refuse to accept!
Its cuts & breaks all around... whether its in the material things or in the internal turmoils!
I Fight with the fight back spirit within coz I know this time I refuse to get a life!

Walking on a lonely road...
Came alone... will go alone... met so many in this journey between inhaling for the 1st time & exhaling for the last time...
Lived moments, loved every existence that was around, cribbed over every existence that was around... coz always the want was for some more...!!!
some more love... some more pain... some more moments... some more life!
Accepted people the way they are... but didnt accept people the way they are not! This selfish creature within wants good for everyone around... why? so that the creature within is troubless...
Walking on the road divder with noise coming towards and going away from me... unknown faces not bothered to even look at each other... all in a hurry, hurry to live, hurry to die, hurry to just let time pass away...
Feels like lifeless creatures walking like black shadows of their ownselves around...
The city is full of just dead emotions... as if waiting for an end!
I see a dream amongst all of this sighs and pain within and around...
A wave.... a wave just slowly.... very slowly creeping in... uncovering the mask that every individual is wearing here...
A wave filled with colour... blue, vermilion, bright yellow, mauve, olive green, peacock green, baby pink, purple, brown, maroon, sky blue, lemon yellow... all glowing with neon lights...
A wave... slowly creeping in... on the city, on the living beings, on the dead beings, on the lifelessness of everything, everyone walking on this dead road, on this dead earth....
A wave... catching speed... flowing as if it was water... flowing like a wave never even seen in dreams...
A wave... aiming to wash away the deadness, the lifelessness, the sighs, the frustrations, the pain, the bondage, the terror, the fear, the disgust...
A wave... now flowing like water, spreading like fire.... unstoppable, unbeatable....
everyone, everything just out there... welcoming it... and suddenly... everything just turned around...
darkness became darker... yet it was beautiful, tears rolled like they would never stop... yet they looked like the glowing pearls, there were contractions, antithesis in everything possible... yet there was wonder, there was amaze, there was a little smile slowing catching up to be a long curve on every face!
A wave I see as I walk on this lonely road...
and I give power to my thoughts....
Living a moment... yet again!

What an irony of life!
what a crossroad!
what a phase!
Everyday is actually a new page in the book of life...
quite true like in the song... "roz naya kuch likhti hai tu... eh zindagi... yeh lamha jee lene de!"
To value a thing, person or a feeling... you have to loose it! and by the time you start valuing its existence... its too late! coz that moment is lost and its lost forver... its never going to be back... its never going to be lived the way it was planned! The moment is over!
There is always a positive side to everything and so it is to even this part of loosing...
as its said... "everything happens for the good!", "you get what u need, not what u want" etc etc... all this holds true but the fact remains... the moment which was in thoughts is lost and its lost forver! and untill so many such moments are lost, its value is never felt!
what an irony but life prooves it to you... again and again! and it wasnt enough once... so it will proove it to you again and again!
Standing at the same point where I started... just like a camera pan's... I feel life just panned by and I am standing at the same point... no difference of even an inch!
Is there a problem within or its in the life that just panned by? wondering on the game life is playing and its also royally enjoying itself!
whats ahead is obviously unknown... it brings anxiousness and fear, at the same time wonders! Its said... Its all in the mind! Yes... its all in the mind... then, then what does the heart do? If mind plays the dominant role then why does the heart have to take the pain?
Laughing and crying at the same time... what an irony!
Loose it... to value it!.... Hence prooved!

Its Valentines Day today so thought of Thanking Love for being Love!
We give so many meanings to Love... trust, understanding, attachment, lust, power, madness, pure, commitment, blind, energy, painful, distraous, foolish, sacrifice etc etc... but the truth is... Love is Love! plain & clear...
Then there are different types of love, we categorise it... Unconditional love, infactuation, crush, possesive, crazy, temporary etc etc...
But is Love really definable or does it need to be defined?
Love is Love! No meanings attached to it...
Its either there or its not there.
It makes you feel on the top of the world, makes you feel like the best thing on earth!
Love is everything to those who can feel love and is nothing to those who dont want to feel love.
It cant be defined... Its there and it can be felt. It cant be quantified or categorised. You cant set deadlines to it. You cant hide it or forget it if its there. Its evident if its there.
Its contagious and heavenly! You are at peace inspite of utter chaos within you. The pain and suffering is the outcome of expectations we have on love.
Love is Love and you are at your best when in Love!
Love more... !

Era's after era's! Years after years! This has been happening....
Women giving the Agni pariksha for their Men... Sita gave this test by walking on fire... and ever since then this repeated in every era, every period of time!
One version says... "Ram had never doubted Sita's purity even for a second, but, as he explains to a dazzled Sita, the people of the world would not have accepted or honoured her as a queen or a woman if she had not passed this Agni pariksha before the eyes of millions, where Agni would destroy the impure and sinful, but not touch the pure and innocent."
Another version of this, was that "Rama had known Sita was going to be abducted by Ravana ahead of time. So, he entrusted her to Agni Dev, or the God of Fire. Rama did this so that he, who in reality was Vishnu, could kill Ravana. Sita, in turn, left behind a "shadow", or twin-like version of herself behind. The "shadow" Sita had been abducted by Ravana. Therefore, the lila of Agni Pariksha was to retrieve the genuine Sita from the temporary care of Agni Dev. "
(Source: Wikipedia)

I am not blaming anyone here... Nor Ram! Neither Men!
No one is at fault! No one is to be blamed!
If life has some rules... so be it! Living it!
10% Love, brings 20% Pain & suffering along with it... Thats life... not complaining!
Being a woman is an honour to life! is an honour to live!
A lot runs in the head all the time at a very high frequency rate... brings suffering, pain, frustration, emotional disturbances... yet end of the day... their is tolerance, paitence & peace!
Feels proud to be a woman! to be a strenght of mankind! be it in the form of Sita for Ram or just a woman in a man's heart!
Its Womanpower! Its a woman's trust, faith & intention!
Read this quote and believe in it completely... "She can be the wind below your wings or the reason for your ship to sink!" Choice is yours...
She will give... she will wait... she will smile and she will be by you always!
She is a woman... simply defined as powerful! :)

you get me rockin & reeling, you are so wonderful feeling
ishq mein tere dil rab se jooda hai meine duniya bhulai hai
khudaya khair... khudaya khair...
listening to this song and my head moves with its beats...
khudaya khair... khudaya khair...

Yup... I am rocking and reeling!
wondering how!?
maybe its the power of faith!
Sometimes u just know it deep within u and maybe this time I know it!
I am not gonna give up... didnt take birth to give up!
faith is power and I have it!
I am powerful! :)

Happened again... cribbed, yelled, shouted in pain... Once again it was the same... wondered, questioned, yelled aloud, broke in pieces, shattered...
Fell as much deep as much it made me fall... then obviously the way out was the way up...
so here I am... getting up... climbing up... cheering up... reeling and rocking!
Coz... I believe! and I know... the way ahead is way I choose to take!

you get me rockin & reeling, you are so wonderful feeling
ishq mein tere dil rab se jooda hai meine duniya bhulai hai
khudaya khair... khudaya khair...
;)

19 Days of the new year are already over...
Just 346 days for the Happy New Year 2009 to complete!
Lots to live... lots to learn... lots to expereince... lots to love!
Persisting! Holding on!
Can feel the jitters already...

A little conversation of the blog contributors...

Rej (Rajita) & Poo (Pooja)

Rej says : Yeh Zindagi Goo hai...

Poo completes saying: Isiliye mein Comod hai! :)

Wishing everyone a Happy 2009!

strange... random thoughts running in my mind!... how would one define this state of being Happy?