It's Life!

Uff! Wonder whats with the age factor!
This blog is jus straight from a girls heart!
These are those years of life which is in real terms only termed "stress" for a girl...
Right from turning 23... till the time the martial status turns to married... this unsuppressable stress just goes on and on and on...
Girls parents go through just the same... makes me feel... is it really worth being a girl?
Well ya... if I see this benefit that in our so called society its only a girl who can stay at home, unemployed for howmuch ever time she wishes! If a boy is sitting jobless at home... the amount of pressure built on him by people around is surely double than a girl in the same jobless situation! The kick on self confidence and self esteem is obviously equally hit... this low shot doesnt carry gender bias :)! But can say this with experience... a woman can handle it a little better than the men... maybe coz her stress load is lesser in terms of people pressure!
Even one of the 7 vows in marraige that the boy takes is that he will never remain jobless... will always work to feed his wife! freak! what a gender bias! :)

Coming back to marital pressure...
Was talking to my married friend... who got married at 30... and she says now it feels did those 6 stressful years really come in my life or m I imagining it? Its almost like alls well when it ends well... and so those stressful years feel like they just passed by!
But what bout when u are in the moment!...
Gosh... when your mom wakes up at 2am and cries in worry... she is worried will my daughter get settled or not!!! Parents faces go through a series of emotions in these years that are jus passing by... The girl goes on a guilt trip that oh freak... parents have to go through these tensed stressed moments only because of her! When she sees the tension lines on fathers forehead and a tearful face of mother... she wonders do they deserve going through this only because she is their daughter! Its really a chicken and egg situation... there is guilt on one side and there is her own thoughts on the other end!

Nyways... all that everyone talks about is marriage!!! isnt there anything else to talk about?
"Yours friends are all married! what bout u? when will u marry?" are the questions that every, litreally every tom dick and harry stop by to ask...
suddenly feels as if the whole world has no other work but to target this little girl who herself is going through a variety of emotions within herself.
Is it really required to go through such truckloads of stress???
23 to 30 or more... spending 6-7 years of life is just dealing with a question when will u marry?
isnt that too much of time waste!!!??

I remember when I joined college... mom made this statement that if you study well for the next 5 years of your life then you will be able to enjoy the rest of your life... but if you waste these next years... you will have to slog it out later in life... the choice is yours!
I feel these years of being in the age between 23 to 30 is almost like those 5 years of study she was talking bout... If you worry, be tensed, take stress for these 6-7 years of your life... then and only then you will get a life partner with whom you can chill out the rest of your life!
w t f m I talking!
Guess.... its just the stress you see! :)
well but seriously... I wish women dont go through these stressed years of life! and I wish people around just let us be!
May be some day even I will say... oh were these years really a part of my life!

Something that bothered a year ago or probably a week ago... doesnt even matter now.
How significant we make things when they occur...
But thats when I realise that it was the Reality of that moment! :)

When I think of so many moments now, I sometimes feel stupid that... even something so trivial could have bothered, or such a stupid thing put me on a crossroad decision, or just some people became so significant or just some expectations that ruled the head...
Now after its like a 'been there done that'... it can be laughed and probably even forgotton but in that moment of time it seemed like the biggest ever trouble or event or watever it was...
How strange is this "Time" business... the clock keeps ticking without any rest breaks...
and just a moment that was so significant an hour ago, suddenly seems like wats the big deal yaar! but that was reality of the moment an hour ago!

Used to have this list of my set of principals and some rubbish stubborness about it too... It all seemed so real at that moment... but today can see that could have eased up a bit... probably thats real in this moment!

Wish we stopped making everything so significant...
We stop talking to people we mess up with like forever... like why! why make it such a big deal...
We hold on grudges, ego issues and so much more to only keep snapping at each other later in life... really man... why!
why make life so significant when it really is a temporary event!
its gonna end soon... then why resist from reviving lost friendships, from just accepting cracks and moving to build better quality glasses, from people whom we have broken ties with, from just everything we made so significant when it occured!

Writing this crap... in the reality of this moment! :) and smiling... that its still just a moment...
Oh yeah... reminds me of... "Aanewala pal tou jaane wala hai... Ho sake tou isme zindagi bitado... pal eh bhi jaanewala hai"...
Frictions, fireworks, tears, sadness... is all that remains in a lost friendship or a broken tie! Sure... even that was required/Real in that moment. But living with it forever feels stupid to even think of it. What was so real and significant in that moment is no more now... then why hold on to the same stubborness...

Loosen up the stubborness... or probably from the grave also v'll shout... my decisions wont ever budge, my this, my that... the significant "me" and "my ways"... doesnt matter whether it impacts or alters largely the people and environment around... but wat matters is the significant "me".
Loosen up man! Loosen up! Just a Reality of this moment!

Keep saying this with a lot of melo drama a lot of times...
Ya sansarik jeevanchi moh-maya... mala nako!!!
Sometimes when I am conversing or just being myself... I feel everything around me is an illusion of my thoughts... its only maya... nothing is real...
I feel I am sleeping and seeing a dream... and all that it occuring around me is happening in my dream... I am not real, I am an illusion of my thoughts, a part of my dream...
Yeah... sounds philosophical or spiritual types but can really feel that way many a times...
Was watching Ramayan and few days ago in this episode... someone says...
One has to give up 3 things to attain peace of mind... Lobh (Greed), Moh (Love) and Bhay (Fear)... It sounds big but it stands true for each of us and the best part is... we all know of it already! But is it possible in today's scenario???
I dont agree to the concept that mind is at peace when in silence, meditative posture etc etc... Rather if Peace of mind is attained when walking on a road divider which heavy noise, traffic coming towards and going way on both sides then its more powerful.
Its strange, we feel we are all different... but actually we arent!... catch random conversations around you and you will see that too... we are all, almost same... each of us fears the person sitting next to us and conveniently forget that even that person is fearing us! When you listen to random conversations of people... someone in the train, someone in office, someone on road... you will always be able to relate to it... coz end of the day we all talk the same things, same topics, same issues, the same bloody moh-maya's!!!
Right now the whole world seems to be going through a tsunami within... negativity spreading much faster than any kind of postivity, 1 bad v/s 10 goods is catching up faster, lows pulling down all the energies we have... as if its like the gravitational force pulling us down, a constant clash of thoughts and heart within! We hear... market is bad, there is recession, there are no jobs, its become an employers market, there are bills outstanding, no money to pay salaries, companies to shut down, its a bear market, no one wants to spend, prices of everything is rising high, the big shots have lost jobs, etc etc etc... Do we really need to be listening to all this?
Yah its easier said than done... esp when the gravitational force of this low is much faster than any upswing!
We are in this "loose-loose" state (the 4th of the Life Positions)... where if I loose, I want the other to loose too... so that if it hurts, both of us are hurt together... We get used to a phase so quickly, now when I read xxx job cuts, xxx companies closed etc etc, I dont even feel a pinch inside anymore... quite a similar situation to how its become when we read xxx people dead, xxx people injured, bomb strike here, terrorist attack here etc etc... We are in the amazing lazy comfort zone where it only stinks but we got used to the stink as well! So... I loose, i am ok with it... but on the condition that u loose as well! Can see where are we headed... infact all of us see that in our sub-conscious mind... we can see existence ending because of us continuing to be this way like forever now! I have been saying this in a little more melo dramatic way... Duniya nasht hojayegi... very soon... and at that time it wont matter kiska bill bharna baki hai, kiska salary dena ya lena baki hai, kisko kisse problem hai, kaun kisse baat nahi karta!!! who will care about all this when its all ending!!! when survival and existence will be a question!? So strange is all this... but its far more stranger that we are all aware, we are present to this state of our life yet yet yet we are only moving deeper into the low and letting our energies get pulled!
Yeah... thats how the sansarik jeevanchi moh-maya is... Inherently a living being craves for being loved, wanted and supported. How can one break that is so natural to each of us! We move out of relationships, be cruel to people we loved, etc etc but end of the day what matters is to love and be loved... yeah... the moh-maya of people for people! We can get over materialistic moh-maya but what about the people we love! We need them, then why do we resist them when people want to be there for us!
A friend told me this story about Mahavir Bhagwan… in which he avoids doing what he intended to do just so that because of his action somebody else’s sins don’t add up! A thought opened up for me… Our actions, expectations lead to somebody else’s sins… like we keep saying… How could he/she do this to me? We make that he/she a reason for our sadness… and dhooofff… that’s the frequency we emitted… now this circle will be completed by that he/she through their deeds or sins… Its the Circle of Life... Right here, Right Now! How strange is this working of the moh-maya!!!
Have been seeing... a new way to live has been forming up because of this recession thing thats going around... its "LOL on urself!" Yeah... we laugh on ourselves on our jobless, salaryless, relationshipless conditions... make a joke out of everything and anything thats not going the way we wanted it to be... reduces the stress, pain and helps us live one more day in this state!
A lot of shit is happening around.... Each of us a negligible part of the shit... but just like a drop of water fills the whole ocean... a little shit from us fills the whole negative world!
Being a player on the court as well as a spectator to this game of life and wondering....
whats next!!!

Wondering! Whats the matter?
Man is killing Man!
What for?
Voilence against women, rape, terrorism... what!?
I see this huge zoparpatti from my window... when I am sad I look outside and I see I dont have anything to be sad about as much as the people living in them... there would be some woman getting beaten up, there would be someone stealing from some house, there would be some child abuse happening... and I see my reasons to be sad are too less than everything and everyone around me.
I am lucky... born as a normal human being, no physical or mental disabilities, have a bed to sleep, food to eat, parents who love unconditionally, friends who are there when I almost give up, and yet... I dont understand whats the matter???
I see only pain, only helplessness, only fear in everything, everyone around me...
The whole daam earth... earlier my eyes were limited to think about only my city, then it expanded and became country and then it became the world and now its earth... its the universe... its everything that exists! everything that exists! Love exists and so does pain.
I dont like to smile coz I feel I can feel the pain around... like a bloody fire catching up on the whole same universe... everything that exists!
In this span of life I lived... learnt a lot of things, believed in a lot of things but always wondered... why? whats the matter? what exists?
Is it the "Deeds" that we go around in... dont want to belive on the beliefs, dont want to google, dont want to fear! Fear of what!??? Fear of doing??? Fear of paying up for a deed once done???
Fear of what???
Death... the only truth... Fear of death?... Fear that one day will have to give up pain... one day will have to give up on a day in which could make one more smile... Fear of what???
I say I take responsibility for my life, my decisions, my choices... Really!???
Fear of what??? responsibility??? to live by the choice??? what???
We stick to something, someone... religion... the external forces... so that we can be fearless.... Heard some lady baba saying on tv... if u do this u will get this, if u dont do this u will not get this... everything is bloody negative, conditional.... everything...
and worst worst worst worst part is....
everyone can see it... everyone feels exactly the same way... everyone knows it... and yet... there is Fear!!!
How do u live wit it? what do u let go? living for the sake of living? doing a favor on life? on exsistence? what for?
breakfree... from what??? how long???
Fear creeps in faster!!!

Era's after era's! Years after years! This has been happening....
Women giving the Agni pariksha for their Men... Sita gave this test by walking on fire... and ever since then this repeated in every era, every period of time!
One version says... "Ram had never doubted Sita's purity even for a second, but, as he explains to a dazzled Sita, the people of the world would not have accepted or honoured her as a queen or a woman if she had not passed this Agni pariksha before the eyes of millions, where Agni would destroy the impure and sinful, but not touch the pure and innocent."
Another version of this, was that "Rama had known Sita was going to be abducted by Ravana ahead of time. So, he entrusted her to Agni Dev, or the God of Fire. Rama did this so that he, who in reality was Vishnu, could kill Ravana. Sita, in turn, left behind a "shadow", or twin-like version of herself behind. The "shadow" Sita had been abducted by Ravana. Therefore, the lila of Agni Pariksha was to retrieve the genuine Sita from the temporary care of Agni Dev. "
(Source: Wikipedia)

I am not blaming anyone here... Nor Ram! Neither Men!
No one is at fault! No one is to be blamed!
If life has some rules... so be it! Living it!
10% Love, brings 20% Pain & suffering along with it... Thats life... not complaining!
Being a woman is an honour to life! is an honour to live!
A lot runs in the head all the time at a very high frequency rate... brings suffering, pain, frustration, emotional disturbances... yet end of the day... their is tolerance, paitence & peace!
Feels proud to be a woman! to be a strenght of mankind! be it in the form of Sita for Ram or just a woman in a man's heart!
Its Womanpower! Its a woman's trust, faith & intention!
Read this quote and believe in it completely... "She can be the wind below your wings or the reason for your ship to sink!" Choice is yours...
She will give... she will wait... she will smile and she will be by you always!
She is a woman... simply defined as powerful! :)

Sounds like an impossible task already!!!
How can you discipline creativity???
Getting economic viability to the quality of creativity!!!
Seeing the clashes of thoughts! Restricting thoughts to match the practicality... why? Creativity is like a bird with wings... you cant cut the wings... how will it fly then?
Quality . Time . Budget... looks like 3 Bullets being aimed at the innocence of Creativity!!!
Ego's fight for giving out the best output! Inspite of so many high flying Ego's... there is still a vibe that connects coz what matters is the end result...! Its the result that matters more than issues!
Wont creativity hide behind bars which cost and time creates? On top of all this there is also measuring it... measuring creativity!!! freak... feel pity for this little thing... this little spark which is the reason for living!
Cant let this spark go off... cant even let the economies of it be taken for a ride!!! Its a tug-o-war all the time... wondering will balance be ever achieved or will the pay off be too high for the over-achieving creativity!!!
But at the end of the day of this game of push and pull... there is this one connect to something that makes a living worthwhile! Feel proud to be a part of this game!

Yeah... The easy way out to every situation, to every problem, to every solution is "Assumptions"!!! I do that more then often & generally get into trouble most of the times! Have Lost loads... relationships, people... loads... only because of taking this easy way out of solving... yet havent moved out from there! Its actually become a practise now, rather a habit! when things arent clear on why they are happening... mind starts multiplying, dividing, adding, subtracting all the possibilities... since the underlying fact is unknown & u r striving & grappling & wanting to know the facts... but u r helpless... all the efforts go down the drains... unclarity of the occurring is there & you are struggling hard, harder & hardest to know that fact which may slap on your face like the reality you didnt want to know... you take the easy way out! rather I take the easy way out... Assuming!... my assumptions are the way I want to think... so if its positive I call it powerful visualisations! & if negative... I generally live with a low! Analysing... why it happened? how did it happen? what? when? why? feel like asking this dumb why's... bloody questions... why dont you just buzz off and let me be! Why is it soooo important to think over, bring clutter, complicate further & at the end of it... feel helpless & devastated!... well.. that was a Why once again! :)
but guess thats what makes a living!... putting meanings to everything in life! Once in life I used to buy the thought that 'everything has a reason' but after doing the landmark forum jus realised that everything need not have a reason!!! be unreasonable... life will work better!...
But being unreasonable also means to give away assumptions... which I wouldnt let go off... coz at the end of the day thats what has become a part of living!
Its really funny at the rapid speed on which the thought process works... You see something not working out... a relation facing its twists, a frown you saw, a fight you witnessed, an argument... & all u can instantly start doing, is to start assuming... 'A must have happened to B, & C has to be part of A, & D & E & F'.. all the dumb assumptions which worsen your thought process, makes u weaker, justifies all your worries, makes u feel right & the other wrong, makes u feel dominant, makes u feel great coz u r the sufferer, makes u feel low & helpless coz at the end of it u just cant get out solving anything with clarity!!!
Its difficult to confront & accept & face the reality which will probably be harsh & rude for the moment but will make thoughts clearer & powerful!... but its so very easy to assume & be at the low of the moment! :) Strange is our thought process!!!

People say… I know myself… if you do, can you disassociate yourself when you want to solve a problem from the surroundings & solve it objectively…
If you know yourself well… your internal being, your reactions, actions… you can do that… you can actually detach yourself, disassociate yourself from that situation… even though you are in the middle of it… you can still internally detach & react to it objectively, just in the same way you would have if you were thinking about it being away from its surroundings… when alone & in a dark room…
You can obviously be objective when you are alone, when you are in quietness, when no ones disturbing you… but why is always so difficult to think when there is noise?
You want to be alone to detach…. But then that doesn’t mean you could internalise your feelings… you are not emotionally intelligent enough to understand exactly what you go through… because if you understood exactly what you are going through when you were faced with the problem, when there was commotion around you, when there was noise, when there were people, when there were objects around then that’s knowing yourself…

Knowing yourself is detachment inpsite of the mess around… not detachment when alone!

Can you become the third person to yourself when you are already between people???
You wait for people to go because you think once everyone’s gone; I will get the space to think… why??? That’s what the point is… you are not capable enough to think the same way when you are surrounded as compared to the way you would think when you are alone…
Why do you need the support of loneliness? Or that state of darkness to think…
Why cant you detach when there are 10 people talking, when you are being called 10 times for work, when you have loads of other things to think… that’s the whole concept of detachment… you are not able to do that!!! Right! And if u can… you have reached the stage above others…
People crave for silence when they want to concentrate, when they want to think, when they want peace… why is peace defined that way… peace = silence, calmness…
Peace could also mean detachment…
Everyone wants to go to a hill station to relax… to a cool, calm place where there is no noise, there is no worry, there is no tension….
When you sleep at night, you are at peace, because you are out of worry… that’s a beautiful state to be in… but why take it as a thing to rely on, to depend on…
You depend on silence to think objectively…
Dependence!!! Once again dependence!!! The belief… here is the dependence…
We are not exercising the internal power… we have the powers to detach… but we want to depend on silence for it… we want to hamper that state of relaxation… that state of re-energizing but leaving it for thoughts which were left unsolved when in crowd!
Why cant silence, sleep & peace just be... why do they need to be disturbed... why is their support always required... cant we just be detached... whenever, wherever... without waiting... waiting for the moments of silence...!

To associate to the problem, to the situation, to the people and then disassociate from all everything except the core issue… and all this when you are already occupied, already among people, already within the mess…. & when you know you can do that… you know yourself!!!