It's Life!

The stage is set... the curtains are up...
Wondering am I really so important?
So many relatives have come all the way from far and wide to attend my big day.
Everyone's dressing up, looking good... all for my occasion.
Happy for me...
All for me...

and me...
I am with jitters uncontrollable.
Everything about my life is going to change.
My ideologies, my wishes, my dreams... the "me" is what I need to drop.
New duties, new responsibilities, new ideologies... I got to adapt.
Perceptions to deal with, dislikes to let go, transformation to embrace.
Everyone around me is rejoicing for my big day but I am trembling from within.
May god be there through this phase with me.

Here I am this is me
There's no where else on Earth I'd rather be...

Back to the Rut race after a good long break!

One of the most difficult and the most required bit of life...

Uff! Wonder whats with the age factor!
This blog is jus straight from a girls heart!
These are those years of life which is in real terms only termed "stress" for a girl...
Right from turning 23... till the time the martial status turns to married... this unsuppressable stress just goes on and on and on...
Girls parents go through just the same... makes me feel... is it really worth being a girl?
Well ya... if I see this benefit that in our so called society its only a girl who can stay at home, unemployed for howmuch ever time she wishes! If a boy is sitting jobless at home... the amount of pressure built on him by people around is surely double than a girl in the same jobless situation! The kick on self confidence and self esteem is obviously equally hit... this low shot doesnt carry gender bias :)! But can say this with experience... a woman can handle it a little better than the men... maybe coz her stress load is lesser in terms of people pressure!
Even one of the 7 vows in marraige that the boy takes is that he will never remain jobless... will always work to feed his wife! freak! what a gender bias! :)

Coming back to marital pressure...
Was talking to my married friend... who got married at 30... and she says now it feels did those 6 stressful years really come in my life or m I imagining it? Its almost like alls well when it ends well... and so those stressful years feel like they just passed by!
But what bout when u are in the moment!...
Gosh... when your mom wakes up at 2am and cries in worry... she is worried will my daughter get settled or not!!! Parents faces go through a series of emotions in these years that are jus passing by... The girl goes on a guilt trip that oh freak... parents have to go through these tensed stressed moments only because of her! When she sees the tension lines on fathers forehead and a tearful face of mother... she wonders do they deserve going through this only because she is their daughter! Its really a chicken and egg situation... there is guilt on one side and there is her own thoughts on the other end!

Nyways... all that everyone talks about is marriage!!! isnt there anything else to talk about?
"Yours friends are all married! what bout u? when will u marry?" are the questions that every, litreally every tom dick and harry stop by to ask...
suddenly feels as if the whole world has no other work but to target this little girl who herself is going through a variety of emotions within herself.
Is it really required to go through such truckloads of stress???
23 to 30 or more... spending 6-7 years of life is just dealing with a question when will u marry?
isnt that too much of time waste!!!??

I remember when I joined college... mom made this statement that if you study well for the next 5 years of your life then you will be able to enjoy the rest of your life... but if you waste these next years... you will have to slog it out later in life... the choice is yours!
I feel these years of being in the age between 23 to 30 is almost like those 5 years of study she was talking bout... If you worry, be tensed, take stress for these 6-7 years of your life... then and only then you will get a life partner with whom you can chill out the rest of your life!
w t f m I talking!
Guess.... its just the stress you see! :)
well but seriously... I wish women dont go through these stressed years of life! and I wish people around just let us be!
May be some day even I will say... oh were these years really a part of my life!

Its ironical...
A 2 yr old is battling with life and a 26 yr old is wondering why is she alive!
Life without purpose is like a wasted piece of barren land where nothing grows, nothing survives... its just there coz it has to be.

Standing unconditionally... quite a place to stand!
Nah... its not love, its not support... n mind u... not even easy! Takes strenght n a whole lot to stand still at this place called "unconditionality"!
Its a feeling that brings out the best in you. Makes you feel like your life is worth it!
Its different... till now I thought it can be merged with love... but no... its a different ball game alltogether.
No expectations... No conditions... but you stand for someone you value enough.
At the end what matters is the bundle of moments you had in your life...
I tried it... when flashback of life ran through in front of my eyes as if its a film roll running... that fast moments very swtiching... Every person who touched my life wasnt seen in a passport size photo but rather in the form of a moment... A moment I shared with them! A moment which touched my life in such a way that where in the back of the memory it was I never even knew!
Really... when you have heavenly moments... they cant be forgotten...
As simple as being involved in the lives of people important... to just being silent with no talk with your best friend...
moments would vary... but its really those few heavenly moments that matter and can make a person be remembered in your life forever!
We spend so much time cribing, complaining, worrying... but what I realise now is those moments only negate the value of "feeling heavenly"...
In the spur of seconds when life runs like a camera roll in front of you... what you really want to remember is those moments which made you feel "heavenly" and that automatically comes with "unconditionality"... when there is no string attached!

Looking at life from an angle I hadnt seen before...

what makes an individual? till now I thought its conscience... whole life till now strongly felt there is nothing more stronger than a conscience but today I saw another face of conscience...

Either you keep yourself happy or you keep people happy... One who lives 10 years n lives every year to a 100% and One who lives 50 years n really lives his share of fun for 5 years only... whos life wins? Ideologies, Principals... what do we make out of these... a rule book for living life... who decides? we make our own rules...

A leap of faith... can v take one? When everyone around is not being faithful... what would make you take a leap of faith?

Based on feelings, based on our perspectives of good/bad we make decisions... whether its to take a leap of faith or to be unfaithful...

Truth v/s Lie... Good v/s bad... Uncorrupt v/s Corrupt... There is someone who is True-Good-Uncorrupt and there is someone who Lies-bad-corrupt... Can one get away? is it really possible to get away in life by saying only lies and being corrupt? Should one fear of the circle of life... which says what goes comes back?

Cluttered once again...

Indispensible... Nah... Not really...
Nothing is indispensible!
So many times moments in life come when we feel... this is it... cant get better... neither the situation, neither the person, neither the moment!... but life moves ahead...
A new song replaces the old song... Playlists are updated, replaced with newer favorites...
Yeah... And just for the moment... its a new moment... and life looks new! fresh!
All the clutter of the past is washed off just like opening up the tightly held fist in waters and letting go all that which was held back... letting go... washing off all that which once felt indispensible...
:)

little disjointed... but jus some random thoughts...
Didnt feel kicked enough to blog since a while...
but today this friend knocked my head and said to me... "its either ur mistake or no ones!"... n suddenly everything was crystal clear in front of me!
Taking responsibility for my action and inaction is what was missing!

Its true... people come in our life to play a role...
and after that role is over... they either move away, fall apart or change roles and upgrade into newer roles! :) but we get stuck... just by making it all so significant we forget that roles are time bound and they have to end sooner or later!

After a lapse of time... that song's wordings hold true... "itne tarse ke ab pyaas hi na rahi"...

Heartbeat says it all today!
Beats are faster, hands shivering, a sense of pride settling in, blushing, feeling a strange numbness... well yes all these are supposed to be symptoms of falling in love...
But even the fullfilling feeling of achivement has the same symptoms...
Owe this to you my friend who played a role of middleman between me and my dream! :)
Undefinable feeling of wow within... Well... Its about the Bullet!
The adrenaline speaks for itself today! Its like heart is smiling today with a sense of yes I did it!
I rode it!
Reminds me of the 1st time moments... the 1st time I rode cycle, then activa, then car, then bike... and today its a Bullet!
And this blog's for you my friend who always complained that why cant my blogs be happy ones too! :D

Something that bothered a year ago or probably a week ago... doesnt even matter now.
How significant we make things when they occur...
But thats when I realise that it was the Reality of that moment! :)

When I think of so many moments now, I sometimes feel stupid that... even something so trivial could have bothered, or such a stupid thing put me on a crossroad decision, or just some people became so significant or just some expectations that ruled the head...
Now after its like a 'been there done that'... it can be laughed and probably even forgotton but in that moment of time it seemed like the biggest ever trouble or event or watever it was...
How strange is this "Time" business... the clock keeps ticking without any rest breaks...
and just a moment that was so significant an hour ago, suddenly seems like wats the big deal yaar! but that was reality of the moment an hour ago!

Used to have this list of my set of principals and some rubbish stubborness about it too... It all seemed so real at that moment... but today can see that could have eased up a bit... probably thats real in this moment!

Wish we stopped making everything so significant...
We stop talking to people we mess up with like forever... like why! why make it such a big deal...
We hold on grudges, ego issues and so much more to only keep snapping at each other later in life... really man... why!
why make life so significant when it really is a temporary event!
its gonna end soon... then why resist from reviving lost friendships, from just accepting cracks and moving to build better quality glasses, from people whom we have broken ties with, from just everything we made so significant when it occured!

Writing this crap... in the reality of this moment! :) and smiling... that its still just a moment...
Oh yeah... reminds me of... "Aanewala pal tou jaane wala hai... Ho sake tou isme zindagi bitado... pal eh bhi jaanewala hai"...
Frictions, fireworks, tears, sadness... is all that remains in a lost friendship or a broken tie! Sure... even that was required/Real in that moment. But living with it forever feels stupid to even think of it. What was so real and significant in that moment is no more now... then why hold on to the same stubborness...

Loosen up the stubborness... or probably from the grave also v'll shout... my decisions wont ever budge, my this, my that... the significant "me" and "my ways"... doesnt matter whether it impacts or alters largely the people and environment around... but wat matters is the significant "me".
Loosen up man! Loosen up! Just a Reality of this moment!

Ever thought of the thought...
Sitting on a chair, tied with a rope... hands tied, legs tied, a tape on your mouth...
Struggling! Struggling hard to break free...
Thats how I see my country, our world as... tied tightly with a rope and struggling... struggling hard to break free...

Its a feeling hard to define... A moment of utter helplessness that takes over every rational thought...
Its like being left alone somewhere, just anywhere in the midst of all the blue colour around the world on the atlas... yeah all alone struggling to survive in these endless blue oceans...
Hollowness settles in and feels like its all empty right inside... Nothing left to give, nothing more to take...
Probably just a lonely traveller on this journey called life!... each of us have to live our own journeys... sometimes when I see a pujari in the temple, a naked kid on the road, a liftman in the building... just every living being, human or animal or plant and I wonder.... questions clutter up my head... then when am clueless, answer it myself saying... he has come to travel his own journey and I got to travel my own journey.

Within 24 hours of a day... there is soo much to travel... variations of thoughts, moods, highs and lows. Within jus a span of daylight and moonlight... feel helpless, wasted and also bright, charged.
Its blankness + commotion that flashes in the head at the same time... Ironies and Anthithesis are all there playing its role all the time.

Amongst all of this... there is probably one word that defines the journey of life...
"Perseverance"... its dictionary meaning - Continuing inspite of difficulties!

Surrounded by these 2 leagues of people...
one who are married or just married and
one who are trying to get married!
and then there is also a third league... but thats not important at the moment...

League 1 are the ones who are already in part 2 of life so not even talking about it.
Currently its the 2nd league who's kinetic energy is a matter of worry!
Its an activity filled epic going on in the lives of all of those "trying to get married"...
Drama of parents, drama of caste difference, drama of religion difference... and all this drama only coz of "non acceptance"... fighting it out, trying to stick it out!
Parents health at stake, family values at stake, professions and careers at stake... all for wat...?
for fullfilling the desire of being with the partner for life, chosen by self!
Its a stand you take when you are hardest hit. Its tuff choices.
A point comes when one makes the decision for both and whether the other likes or not, he/she is left to accept it. Mutually acceptable decisions... thats one form of bullshit talks in these cases! never works! one has to agree to the other whether or not he/she wants to. Isnt a relationship a form of interdepence? So then it eventually lands up with one taking a decision and the other living up to it.

Bloody there is so much hype of the drama within yourself that sometimes you wonder is fight even worth it! may be not... yet you fight! Afterall we all need some activity to burn some calories and to one day sit on an arm chair and sing to the world... oh I have experienced those times too! Whether failed or succeeded... whether given up or did hold on... its just a moment that defines life then!

Quite an ultimate crossroad of life... most important relations at stake, confidence levels at stake... just everything that took to build you up & get to this far in life is at stake!
and all that you are left with is "a choice" that will have a ripple effect on everything on either side... its like one side is a valley and the other side an ocean... both sides survival will be tuff!... but choice is urs at the end of the day! coz destiny is a matter of your choice in that moment!

Tuff times... but thats one part of life... where if you stick it out or you dont... you will have an edge of an enriched experience! :)
I am with you... my "trying to get married" people! Stick it out when you are hardest hit... rest if you must, but dont you quit!

New Year... 2010!
Suddenly a new charm all over... a smile which says let go... let go of all the unfinished, undone, incomplete tasks, dos, tunnels, tears and smears of 2009. Its a yearly clock that gives you this space whether you want it or not. Its good!
So, Whats next!?
When lows hit lower... and lower... and reach its end tip... the only way left is to go up... so time to get high now!
Time to live for a goal... for a game which is worth putting in effort!
Asking a question... wasnt quarter a life enough for distractions, wasnt it enough to just give it up on others, wasnt it enough to just wander around like the boatman with no shore...
Yeah... it was enough... coz a time comes in life when all you did in life suddenly looks small in front of you, when quarter of a life laughs at you and says... wake up!

Feels like grown up 25 times faster in one year than the last 25 years itself! Guess thats what they call... being in quarter life crisis!
Looking back... I see that have covered so much of life within just a span of a year... Didnt even know I was capable of it! Managed it man... bruised, beaten, dead... yet sailed through every moment like a just a fraction of a second!
Thanks to every individual who contributed in either pulling me down or gathering my pieces or just praying silently without putting any conditions!
Its only when you face failure head on... you really value the juice in the lemon called life!
Glad to have grown past a year that makes me feel like a bullet proof jacket over the next innings of life! Thanks 2009 for making me stronger than ever before!

Well... 2009's gone... with all the tuffs and toughs of it!
Its 2010 now... and have a target for which can feel the fire within...
Yup... 117 days in hand that demands much more than I can think of...
All set... ready... to play! n Play well!
Just one more game... out of the bigger game of Life! :)

Last month of the year!... 11 months have gone by already...
The year gone by setting deadlines for each month... n it just passed by without really living it!
This just dawned on!
Imagery that I had formed in all these years about self was of being a solider... to fight from the front n I even thought m fighting now as well...
But today in just a conversation with a friend my eyebrows raised n it ticked in the head...
knock knock... whats up?... who r u?...
n I hear a voice from within saying... "boss... u r an escapist!"...
umm huh! wat! is it!.... yeah!....
what m I escaping from!
from dealing with what life is throwing!!!
oh gosh... can i believe tht!... well yeah!... got to! nothing is real, nothing has meaning... yet!!!!
Going back... it seems took life for granted... looked at every month as a new sunshine of hope to deal with what the start of the year threw on me!
But the darkness only got darker... and so one day... made a choice...
well... I chose to escape!
Everyone except me can see that m escaping... but I even want to be blind to seeing that I am escaping! freaking... its leading no where! Just adding a mile more to darkness...
Took decisions which turned around life upside down... only to realise thats my road to escapism!
Down on knees n can see... m no soldier anymore... no black spidey anymore...
Just a piece of life with a beating heart and some bloody hope!

One by one... Layer by layer... a building is getting built...
Like the redevelopment projects of new buildings by many builders going around in the city... this one's the latest going on...
this one's also a redevelopment project...
an old building which had developed some cracks but was still worth living is demolished coz a new building is being built in its place...
layer by layer, floor by floor... its getting built... just that the name of this new building is "frustration"... it has the capacity to become the tallest building coz it has soo much to hold on to...
its built with high quality cement of the latest brand called "negativity"...
I dont like to write on low tides all the time now... but thats all thts being going around.
cant see any way out... is the glass unclean or its really so bad?... dont knw!
but its jus that this spiral swril around is pulling down all the energies big time.
Newspapers are filled with rapes and murders, News channels are filled with wat worst the ruling parties and their opposition parties are doing to pull down each other, People think the world is a bloody dustbin so garbage and spitting can be done just anywhere they please, Realtionships are breaking for issues that are negligible but now unhandleable, divorce rates, breakup rates, stress levels are like the layers of this building... they are jus making the building look more and more posh! bloody hell...
Dont knw whether I am the only one whose head is so loaded all the time and the forehead just doesnt seem to ease up... but I knw that its getting a little too much on the plate now...
If its like just a phase... then this phase seems endless... it jus doesnt phase out! Everytime u feel cant get worst than this... u r proved wrong... coz bad to worse happens over and over again...
Asking questions, analysing like where did I go so wrong? What have I done so wrong in lifetime that this is whats happening?... these are quite obvious and normal expressions... but they dont help... they only make it worse! Questions remain unanswered and everyday there seems progress... there is rise everyday... in the level of helplessness!

At most times it seems like there is just No way out... Just no way out... Everything that you do to look for a way is blocked, cant see any way... makes me wonder... is there a way?
Would the dark tunnel ever see some light... ?
But its strange that inspite of all these layers of frustration... there is something within which is burning and doesnt allow me to believe that there wouldnt be a way and so there is something called "Hope"... which lives stronger...
Where is all this headed... dont knw!
Sometimes when u walk in this crowded city or drive along the heavy traffic roads... it gives a feel that everyone is just waiting for one thing... waiting to die! coz thats the only thing that we know... that it happens! everything else is just illusion... based on hope or self strenght or watever!
I look at prayers as strenght frequencies, a way to reach out to people...
Probably thats one Freedom anyone and everyone has...!
Wish that no more relationships break, no more marriages break, people become responsible and there is atleast a little more percentage of smiles than the cries.
Just thinking aloud... and exhaling a deep breath of hope!