It's Life!

Cut the feathers one by one... thats the better approach... leads towards cutting the wings!
Everytime you chose to fly... you chose to take decisions on your own... there is someone out there ready to cut off your wings! Just as you thought you were ready, self-sufficient, prepared enough & didnt need help, didnt need permissions, didnt need to ask... oops... the wings are cut & once again you cant fly, you cant decide, you are once again down on the ground!
Its strange but happens all the time... there are sooo many people around you all the time, they are your friends, family, relatives etc etc. You share every bit of your thought with them, yet when you are pricked & you are just about to crumple... you find yourself completely by yourself, all alone... facing that moment! feeble & weak is what that moment makes you feel. You are on your own, struggling & fighting... all alone in this bad big world! Look to your right, your left or around, its only darkness... & you accept it or not... Yes... there is Fear of the Dark!!! Everyone fears that unknown, untrodden path, uncertain!
You gather up everything within you and manage to get up again... all ready to take up the next fight, the next obstacle... you chose to chose! you take decisions... and once again... cut cut cut...
The Wings are Cut! & you cant fly & then you feel surrounded by this strange mockery, darkness, helplessness!...
Seems like Thoughts just waived... Smile at them... coz thats the power you have... to form new wings... again and again and again!!!

Is it people... or is it feelings and emotions? or its both?
When people enter our lives... they bring along some energy... some feelings, some emotions to our lives... whether its hatred or love... either of them makes a place in our heart! So, is it that person or is it that emotion? coz when time comes... the person walks away leaving behind the emotion... so I guess its the people who are perishable, not the feeling, not the emotion!
What happens? Why it happens?... gets me to think! but it happens... There is an expiry date to everything... a contract, an agreement, a moment, a day and a person! Death is the ultimate to it all... but just before reaching there... there are soo many moments of perishiablity that we go through! We walk away from careers, we walk away from jobs, we awalk away from hometowns, We walk away from lives... are we walking away? or are we walking ahead? again subject to how we percieve! But its quantifiable... yes very much... measure it with the people from whos lives you chose to walk away & you will get its net worth... maybe in terms of value and weight as well! This perishability of a person is understood only when the cycle is complete... you walk out from someones life and then someone walks out from your life!
Looks quite strange but yes there are so many expiry dates we set before we actually reach the ultimatum of expiry!

Craving for credits, craving for recognition, craving to be heard, craving to be known... is whats seen around all the time! Used to get extremely annoyed with this craving earlier but with time saw and realised thats its the default mode of every human. The "I" & "Me" is soo important... how much ever you deny... you still want recognition.
Observed behaviors, listened to people, got present with myself and realised how easily all of us play this "I am great" game! We say and do things so that we become eligible for peoples sympathy or awe! If you just observe for a while... you will easily relate to what I am talking about... It becomes so important to receive that bit of "yes you are great" for that moment when you have already visualised the future of that conversation & how low/demotaivated it feels when you dont get the credit you expected!
Wish to drop this "I"... wish to break this default mode and act selflessly...
Its difficult... but struggling to drop it! Dropping the identity, to do away with credit, to do away with being recognised as great isnt the idea... but dropping the expectation of getting these intents fulfilled is a difficult task! but try it out... its fun battling and esp when you see others going ahead coz u r stepping back... its more fun! Break the default mode! :)

Hold your horses!!! Hold it... Intentions are unfulfilled & whats filled is the incompleteness of these intentions!!!
Strongly you wanted something... easy to blame it on the circumstances... but guess the cluttered mind didnt have the real intent... otherwise nothing on this earth can stop!!!
The power within is too fierceful... its too over bearing on such intentions... I vouch for that! Its impossible that it will be unfulfilled if I really intended...
Got caught up in playing egos, in the constraints it will create, in giving reasons to the fulfilling of these intentions... obviously after you stepped down in front of the intentions, it was time for the fulfilling intentions to step down too... If you showed inauthenticity towards them, why should it show authenticty!!! clap works with 2 hands & so does every emotion in life!
Its so difficult to let go the pay offs!!! Now I know exactly why these intentions remain unfulfilled!!! 100% of authenticity is lacking! You are actually getting to do things you always wanted to... you are getting to be yourself... you thought the intent was bringing knots with it! You say you are ready for getting tied in those knots which will take away your freedom, your self-expression, your way of independence... will you let go every other intent for this... are you sure??? I dont think so... You are not being authentic with yourself... otherwise you would have completed this long back! You would have fulfilled & achieved your intentions long long back!
I never wanted that intention to be completed... thats why it remains unfulfilled till now... ! Its no more a blame game on circumstances, on external situations, on people... I made my choices! I chose to let my intents be unfulfilled... because I chose!!!

Yeah... The easy way out to every situation, to every problem, to every solution is "Assumptions"!!! I do that more then often & generally get into trouble most of the times! Have Lost loads... relationships, people... loads... only because of taking this easy way out of solving... yet havent moved out from there! Its actually become a practise now, rather a habit! when things arent clear on why they are happening... mind starts multiplying, dividing, adding, subtracting all the possibilities... since the underlying fact is unknown & u r striving & grappling & wanting to know the facts... but u r helpless... all the efforts go down the drains... unclarity of the occurring is there & you are struggling hard, harder & hardest to know that fact which may slap on your face like the reality you didnt want to know... you take the easy way out! rather I take the easy way out... Assuming!... my assumptions are the way I want to think... so if its positive I call it powerful visualisations! & if negative... I generally live with a low! Analysing... why it happened? how did it happen? what? when? why? feel like asking this dumb why's... bloody questions... why dont you just buzz off and let me be! Why is it soooo important to think over, bring clutter, complicate further & at the end of it... feel helpless & devastated!... well.. that was a Why once again! :)
but guess thats what makes a living!... putting meanings to everything in life! Once in life I used to buy the thought that 'everything has a reason' but after doing the landmark forum jus realised that everything need not have a reason!!! be unreasonable... life will work better!...
But being unreasonable also means to give away assumptions... which I wouldnt let go off... coz at the end of the day thats what has become a part of living!
Its really funny at the rapid speed on which the thought process works... You see something not working out... a relation facing its twists, a frown you saw, a fight you witnessed, an argument... & all u can instantly start doing, is to start assuming... 'A must have happened to B, & C has to be part of A, & D & E & F'.. all the dumb assumptions which worsen your thought process, makes u weaker, justifies all your worries, makes u feel right & the other wrong, makes u feel dominant, makes u feel great coz u r the sufferer, makes u feel low & helpless coz at the end of it u just cant get out solving anything with clarity!!!
Its difficult to confront & accept & face the reality which will probably be harsh & rude for the moment but will make thoughts clearer & powerful!... but its so very easy to assume & be at the low of the moment! :) Strange is our thought process!!!

People matter! Relationships matter more than people! But then there is a dawn of realisation which says... Its not dealing with people or relations... Its dealing with Egos!!!
Took up HR coz what mattered most were the people around! How best can I make someones day, make every person around me smile... got to know thats one of the roles of an HR so took it up! People are obviously there in every function... Finance or marketing... but the strangest & the tuffest part of being an HR is you arent directly involved in anything, yet you are a part of everything! you are the unbiased voice who is ready to take shit for no fault of yours! No one cares who you are, what you feel... what matters is what they feel, what they say! This function is called People development... strange na... you work towards developing people in the direction they want to... these are the people who become so very important in your life... there frowns, smiles, their highs, lows matter to you... yet when you ask them, they think you are artificial! thats when reality slaps on your face & tells you its tuff! All that you are seeing is not true... all that you felt wasnt true either! You question where was the inauthenticity... but all that you find is the strange hollowness in every relation you have with everyone around! thats when incompleteness crops in... & you feel guess m not tailor made for handling a function that probably doesnt involve people... but only Egos!
Was obsessed with behavioral dynamics... wondered about implementing every theory, every new concept learnt in the BD lectures! started relating everything to all the concepts learned... to all the people met! didnt know what was working & wat wasnt... but it was fun! Had loved when Transactional Anaylsis was taught... the amazing understanding of 7 ego states, their transactions, strokes, life positions & so on. But when came face to face with situations... there was this reality check that its only Egos flying around! Ego becomes larger than person! You are dealing with Egos... no matter where you are... they say creative egos are much more difficult to deal, but I think that doesnt matter... coz every person is creative & has an individualistic thought & a craving to be heard & recognised no matter who they are! Thats when the games begin... games & battles of the heart & mind! Always wondered why doesnt Heart & Mind be in sync... are they different??? or its just my way of giving a reason to my inauthenticity & incompleteness! But I do feel the thin line running through my spin which I call weakness when I "feel" & "think" of this battle of feeling v/s thinking & heart v/s mind! If heart is different then mind... then where is the soul???... freak its so easy to complicate thoughts! Guess thats when its easy to dismantle it by a thought someone told me... "Its not what I said, Its what you heard!" so I said what I meant... but you heard just exactly the way you wanted to hear it!
Anyways... enough of BD obession... which will never go... Its my way of living!
Its this sensitive function... which requires tuff people who balance out being sensitive too! Its generally not given a high status... its generally taken for a ride... yet its the magic which brings actualisation too!

People say… I know myself… if you do, can you disassociate yourself when you want to solve a problem from the surroundings & solve it objectively…
If you know yourself well… your internal being, your reactions, actions… you can do that… you can actually detach yourself, disassociate yourself from that situation… even though you are in the middle of it… you can still internally detach & react to it objectively, just in the same way you would have if you were thinking about it being away from its surroundings… when alone & in a dark room…
You can obviously be objective when you are alone, when you are in quietness, when no ones disturbing you… but why is always so difficult to think when there is noise?
You want to be alone to detach…. But then that doesn’t mean you could internalise your feelings… you are not emotionally intelligent enough to understand exactly what you go through… because if you understood exactly what you are going through when you were faced with the problem, when there was commotion around you, when there was noise, when there were people, when there were objects around then that’s knowing yourself…

Knowing yourself is detachment inpsite of the mess around… not detachment when alone!

Can you become the third person to yourself when you are already between people???
You wait for people to go because you think once everyone’s gone; I will get the space to think… why??? That’s what the point is… you are not capable enough to think the same way when you are surrounded as compared to the way you would think when you are alone…
Why do you need the support of loneliness? Or that state of darkness to think…
Why cant you detach when there are 10 people talking, when you are being called 10 times for work, when you have loads of other things to think… that’s the whole concept of detachment… you are not able to do that!!! Right! And if u can… you have reached the stage above others…
People crave for silence when they want to concentrate, when they want to think, when they want peace… why is peace defined that way… peace = silence, calmness…
Peace could also mean detachment…
Everyone wants to go to a hill station to relax… to a cool, calm place where there is no noise, there is no worry, there is no tension….
When you sleep at night, you are at peace, because you are out of worry… that’s a beautiful state to be in… but why take it as a thing to rely on, to depend on…
You depend on silence to think objectively…
Dependence!!! Once again dependence!!! The belief… here is the dependence…
We are not exercising the internal power… we have the powers to detach… but we want to depend on silence for it… we want to hamper that state of relaxation… that state of re-energizing but leaving it for thoughts which were left unsolved when in crowd!
Why cant silence, sleep & peace just be... why do they need to be disturbed... why is their support always required... cant we just be detached... whenever, wherever... without waiting... waiting for the moments of silence...!

To associate to the problem, to the situation, to the people and then disassociate from all everything except the core issue… and all this when you are already occupied, already among people, already within the mess…. & when you know you can do that… you know yourself!!!

Wondering whether Conscience exists???
Do individuals, humans have it or its just theory that every living being has a conscience?
23 years of my life I have lived with the thought that each one has a conscience and it pricks!!! It pricks when u do something like to cheat, to steal. Everyone has different thoughts on ethics… right and wrong… moral and immoral… ethical and unethical… every individual lives with different ideologies of their own, the thought process varies vastly and so does the definition of right and wrong. I don’t say I want to change the way people think… everyone’s right and everyone’s wrong… I cant change the way each person on this earth thinks… all I ask and want to know is whether this power called conscience exists in each of us and if it does why does it sleep when u know what u are doing is not right. It may benefit u, it may benefit others, it may do good… but I wonder how far… how far and how long will the good part of it remain… one day or the other when this power called conscience or the voice within speaks… which it will… what will the consequence be??? Will it destroy u which I think it doesn’t… coz the netas of the world, the corrupt people of the world… does anything wrong actually happen to them… I don’t think anything or anyone is affected… how can that happen.. is my question… how can the conscience never wake up and still do no harm in ur life…

why? I ask why? Why is it that, that the person who thinks it was wrong is always on a crossroad… always has to suffer more coz of the thought… why is it that it disturbs the person whose conscience is clear when he sees that what happened wasn’t right… what definition he has about the right is obviously not the same as of the person who did that thing…
People forget… good times spent… how does that happen is what I am not able to understand… and also why does that happen??? Suddenly u become so unimportant in that persons life for whom someday u were life. Is it that expectations are rising or its that people don’t need people for long. Everything is materialistic… everything comes with an expiry date whether it’s a conscience, a relationship or just a medicine…
Every bloody thing has an expiry date!

Everything around seems so corrupt, filled with disgust… suddenly u feel u r trapped…
I used to agree with the sentence… “U need to be in the system to change the system”… but changing a system means changing individuals… why would anyone change for me??? However big or small I may be in life… how much ever power or no power I have in life… the question remains the same… why would anyone change for anyone???
Respect, love, trust… all these words suddenly seem like rubbed with black paint all over and all u realise is nothing exists except materialistic needs… everyone wants to be famous, everyone wants credit, everyone wants to be known… y??? Y is all that so important??? People take credit for the work they don’t do, people lie, people steal, people bluff, and all the things that makes the world a worst place to live… y do I need to live among this disgust… among living objects… yes… objects… coz materialism makes them everyone objects… coz they forget what mattered, what’s called an inner voice… they just forget everything…
I cry, I shout… but can I do anything more??? Coz I realise the people around is all my own world, my own country, my own city, my own locality… where we live becomes ours… the country, the world, the universe, the solar system… everything is ours then why cant we do anything good to it… u add to corruption by just not doing any good too… by supporting corruption… there is fear, there is anger, there is tremor when u see something which the voice within u disapproves… what do u do about it.. either u accept whats happening or u ignore it or u raise a voice… which ultimately doesn’t get heard coz everyone around appears deaf to the voice u raised… coz of the big power called “ ego “… which comes in between… y should ” I “ agree to that other voice… I have my own… I want to be recognised in my own way… why should I listen… why should I even think I am wrong… how can I be wrong…??? This thought and it’s all over…. The voice which thought of shouting ultimately subsides coz he gets no support at all…
What is the outcome… some people mock, some people make money out of it by making some film or writing a book or making a serial… in short converting it into a joke! A joke which is talked for a while and forgotten… a life becomes a joke! A relationship becomes a joke! A conscience becomes a joke!... all u need to do it laugh! Laugh on the pain!
And then what happens is wait till the next joke it out….
Life… existence… conscience becomes a joke…
And suddenly the feeling comes… just leave it… just forget it… get detached… just ignore… bloody move on!!!
And move on to a new life filled with more of corruption… more of right wrong dilemmas, crossroads… and decisions….!

Freaking… where was I in all this… just a lost human… just a lost living object… who didn’t get what I thought could happen…
Castles of thoughts are buried…

Is conscience powerful enough or what that hell is it???
Why doesn’t it wake up at the time it should and prick the human so hard that he never gets that wrong thought again… to lie, to cheat, to steal, to bring suffering to others, to hurt others, to forget the good, to just bring pain to everything around!

Does conscience have any powers or it’s just a dead soul within which never questions the things called trust, integrity, honesty, commitment, dedication, love???

Just thinking… where am I??? Is it worth living or what??? Or what??? Or what???

Relationships! .. They are the most integral part of every individual. He has many acquaintances each day. He has many relationships around his surroundings. How he deals with each of them depends on them. When a relationship starts it’s the most beautiful thing over on earth. As time passes by relationships have to face its share of lows and highs.
These relationships are so unpredictable. They are so weird. How they start, how they end we can’t even understand. We try to hold on these relationships but we fail. They have so many different shades. They show so many new perspectives of life which an individual cannot explore alone. When relations begin they bring so much satisfaction and excitement with them. They have to go through those phases that will test them. It’s like a fish taken out of water. The way it struggles for its life the same ways relationships have to face such instances where it is tested. Just like a living chicken is put on the stove to be cooked.. Relationships are put on fire. Whether it survives or it destroys or it gets stronger.. that depends on the strength and faith of the relationship. It depends on how much a person can have faith; it depends on the extent to which a person can trust himself and his relationships. It doesn’t work according to the way you plan it. Misunderstandings take the place of understanding. There is a feeling of fear to loose on the relationship, there is insecurity, there is no trust suddenly where once upon a time their was only trust.
Suddenly two individuals change, their attitudes change towards each other. I don’t say that a relation should remain the same as it is started all through its life. But I feel it’s necessary that people realize the worth of every relationship and acquaintance it makes in life. By crying for that relationship you are making it stronger, you are giving that relationship so much importance in your life that you have tears when it’s in trouble. At times relations just don’t work. At one point of time it ends. It doesn’t mean two people couldn’t get along. It just means that the relationship was not meant to be. Instead of suffering in future it makes you strong today. It’s important to get over such relations which are not meant to be. But I don’t understand that when they were not destined to continue then why did they start. May be because that relation had to teach you how to live. Maybe you had forgotten to smile and that relationship came like a power in your life and brought life within you. Since it was a power for a while, it had to leave and therefore it faded away out of your life and then we are left with complaining and regretting. Instead can’t we just learn out of it and thank the power that it taught us how to live instead of criticizing that it left.
Why relationships become our weakness? Why does it make us so weak that we can’t withstand life. Why does it affect a person’s behavior, a person’s life so much? Individuals always need support. They can survive alone. They need to live and to live strangers makes us feel so strong. That also affects us then obviously a long lasting relationship has to affect a person’s emotional balance. Emotionally a person becomes weak when he faces a low in any relationship in life. However strong he may be in every other aspect of life but when it comes to relationships he becomes the weakest. Infact that’s the only stage of life where every individual stands to be equal. Equal in the sense to be weak towards a relationship. It’s a feeling that everyone has to go through. A feeling where a person feels destroyed, helpless and devastated. He feels he is a looser and will never grow up in life. Just another person made so much of a difference in your life that you felt you are not worth anything in life. That’s the power in relationships. Little gestures and expressions of anger, dislike, distrust by one can ruin the day of another one. Why does such distrust come suddenly. Is it that there was never trust. It was just a mask over distrust or maybe it’s the other way round. Trust was the original face and Distrust wore the mask over trust.
We expect to work out relationships as per our condition. We feel we can set rules and limitations for it. We can make it or break it but it doesn’t work that way. Why do we criticize that we had to suffer so much in this relationship, instead cant we just move out and see the same relationship through a different perspective and see that we learnt so much more, we gained much more than loosing.
We set rules and principals but when they pass through the heart they all vanish because nothing can withstand infront of the heart. Afterall it’s only his heart that has the power to let us live then why live according to our brains. Instead live according to what your heart says. Why hold back emotions and analyze it, instead walk on the direction that your heart shows. It’s the heart that binds to strangers in a never ending relationship. It has so much power than why not go according to it!

Strange are these ways of life!
Leave things on fate and time when situations become out of control. But never to loose hope. You need to keep trying your effort on it.
Suddenly, life takes a U-Turn when you don’t even imagine thinking of it. It seems weird to accept what you expected once upon a time. Suddenly, something you always expected starts happening but that happens when you don’t expect it to happen. That’s what God does--- He brings sudden changes, sudden tensions and sudden stress relievers as well.
Life becomes stressful when it has to deal with tensions. And the next moment the tension goes off, the stress is also off-loaded. You are once again ready to face a new challenge.
When relations become stronger, expectations increase. With expectations, desires increase and when these expectations are not fulfilled, tension and stress arises. But we individuals never come out with our stress. We open up saying ‘I expect this from you’ or ‘I wish this comes true’; but when these expectations don’t come true, we never open up. We never say at that time or frankly say to the person that ‘I had expected this but maybe the expectation was too high’. This time, we assume things, perceive it in our way and keep it to ourselves. That’s where we are letting our relationship fall into trouble because we are not opening up our expectations that didn’t come true. By doing this we are not letting the person explain why he/she didn’t fulfill our expectation. Maybe the reason is completely different from what we assume and how we perceive but since we didn’t give a chance to open up ourselves, we created negative feelings in our mind. The tension area becomes fully occupied in mind. But the bottom-line remains same- that we are not ready to open up. We get scared that things will get worse but how will it and why will it?
By not opening up we are giving opportunities for the opposite person to assume things. That person might interpret the situation in a different way and that’s how a misunderstanding gets created. So the root remains that one expects something, that other does not or maybe could not fulfill that expectation. So that person now feels bad and assumes the reasons for his/her expectation not being fulfilled. But these assumptions, he does not confirm by opening up to the other person and because of the assumptions starts behaving in a weird manner with the other. On this changed behavior and attitude the other tries to interpret it in his way of perception; but even he doesn’t try to open up and state his interpretation. So no reason becomes a root reason for a stupid and senseless misunderstanding.
We are human beings. Because of our fear of the occurrence of misunderstandings, we cannot stop or limit our expectations because this is the human nature created by the power that rules individuals. The only thing we can do is not to assume things. Rather than assumptions, its better to confront and get over misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Until the ice doesn’t break, there is no chance that the relationship can get back to normal. It’s the only way relationships work!
Now when finally people open up to each other, they realize that whatever they wasted on assumptions and making wrong notions could have been saved to make the relationship stronger only if they had opened up to each other earlier.
After such misunderstandings, normally, relationships become normal. More of affection and caring happens towards each other. But this in turn develops more expectations and when this fairy tale dreams end, one realizes the truth of relationship. He faces through much more stress than the one before because this time the relationship had been much more intense. The same cycle of misunderstandings repeats!
Thus, it’s better to live in reality and have practical expectations.

Hi,

I begin my blog with a quote on my life -

"The Longest journey in my life is about 18 inches.. that is from your mind to your heart"

so.. I prefer not to travel soo much.. coz it just confuses life furthure..

I write straight from the heart and hence my blog is named.. "fromheart2pen"