I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together
Oh yeah... And all my love
We're holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far...
Guess these are the effects of nearing a quarter!
Looking back at the quarter of a life...
and really... I wonder how? I wonder why? I wonder where they are... The days we had!
I feel the wetness of the sand under my feet which just became wet coz the sea flew over it...
I breath the freshness of the soil which just got wet coz it rained over it...
I feel the water of the waterfall over my face which makes me feel heavenly...
I fly as I ride my activa which makes me feel free...
Yeah... and I live my memories all over again... which make me stand on my feet today!
Freinds... acquantainces.... crushes... relationships...
Feels like 25 yrs of life is static and I am the only one... walking pass it... as if living it all over again!
The first freind! the first cycle! the first crush! the first competition! the first late remark! the first project! the first team leading! the first stage performance! the first goof up! the first stand! the first decision! and the list goes on...
Just reliving! Hitting the Refresh button again and again!
Its a sinking feel! a strange hollowness as well as completeness as the same time! Contradicting life itself, thoughts itself... feelings itself!
But yeah... as I ride on my activa today at the speed of 77kph! (the maximum I ever reached till now)... I revive life... wonder on the stand I have taken! wonder on my own self... didnt know there was so much strenght hidden within! wonder on the contradictory package deal I chose... utmost strenght to stand along with deep unbearable pain!
Strange... really very strange is this circle of life! Cant understand whats life upto most of the times! There is soo much of it happening in just a short span of quarter of a life... twists, turns, u-turns and just complications increasing at a speed higher than what I ride my bike!
Looking at it as if I was standing still in front of a picture... This picture had me running through this entire span in just a second... and then once again I wonder...
Really...
I wonder how? I wonder why? I wonder where they are?....
The days we have...
The songs we sang together...
Oh yeah... And all my love
We're holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far
So I say it in a breath
Hope my dreams will take me there...
I am sure... my dreams will take me there!!!
There... where I chose to go!
About Me
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Followers
Blogs I follow...
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SoMe NiGHTS11 years ago
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Turning 3112 years ago
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“Happy Anniversary” - Mumbai16 years ago
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amazing experience.........17 years ago
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Phaiba Krish and Me17 years ago
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Every dark tunnel has light at its end!!!
Its the wait.... sometimes feels like the darkness is gonna end very soon, the light is jus round the corner... and sometimes feels like its the long long tunnel which will take some more time for the light, but it doesnt seem like its never ending!... coz light exsists at its end!
Its just the wait in this tunnel which consumes up all the energy, pulls you down till u r dead, gets you on your knees, kills you till you are ready to give up coz the pain is unbearable!
Its the fight with the wait!
But its the way to go... to see the light... to smile once again when the light will fall on the face!
Can see possibilties, can see brightness, can see the world singing once again, can see the feet dancing away to unstoppable cheer... can see it all... when I see the light in the eyes of my faith!
The warrior and the soldier, both are on the battlefield called life... yeah! fighting... sometimes with strenght, sometimes in pain, sometimes with a smile, sometimes bruised yet not dead, sometimes with the black spidy dress, sometimes injured, sometimes bang on... right there!!!
The darkness will fade off and the light will take over... It has to... it has no option but to! :)
coz... Every dark tunnel has light at its end!
Coincidently listening to this song right now and feels as if its a line tailor made for this blog!...
Ruk jaana nahi tu kahi haar ke...
kaato pe chal ke milenge saaye bahar ke....!!!
Wondering! Whats the matter?
Man is killing Man!
What for?
Voilence against women, rape, terrorism... what!?
I see this huge zoparpatti from my window... when I am sad I look outside and I see I dont have anything to be sad about as much as the people living in them... there would be some woman getting beaten up, there would be someone stealing from some house, there would be some child abuse happening... and I see my reasons to be sad are too less than everything and everyone around me.
I am lucky... born as a normal human being, no physical or mental disabilities, have a bed to sleep, food to eat, parents who love unconditionally, friends who are there when I almost give up, and yet... I dont understand whats the matter???
I see only pain, only helplessness, only fear in everything, everyone around me...
The whole daam earth... earlier my eyes were limited to think about only my city, then it expanded and became country and then it became the world and now its earth... its the universe... its everything that exists! everything that exists! Love exists and so does pain.
I dont like to smile coz I feel I can feel the pain around... like a bloody fire catching up on the whole same universe... everything that exists!
In this span of life I lived... learnt a lot of things, believed in a lot of things but always wondered... why? whats the matter? what exists?
Is it the "Deeds" that we go around in... dont want to belive on the beliefs, dont want to google, dont want to fear! Fear of what!??? Fear of doing??? Fear of paying up for a deed once done???
Fear of what???
Death... the only truth... Fear of death?... Fear that one day will have to give up pain... one day will have to give up on a day in which could make one more smile... Fear of what???
I say I take responsibility for my life, my decisions, my choices... Really!???
Fear of what??? responsibility??? to live by the choice??? what???
We stick to something, someone... religion... the external forces... so that we can be fearless.... Heard some lady baba saying on tv... if u do this u will get this, if u dont do this u will not get this... everything is bloody negative, conditional.... everything...
and worst worst worst worst part is....
everyone can see it... everyone feels exactly the same way... everyone knows it... and yet... there is Fear!!!
How do u live wit it? what do u let go? living for the sake of living? doing a favor on life? on exsistence? what for?
breakfree... from what??? how long???
Fear creeps in faster!!!
Its this wave I see, I feel, I hear, I sense...
call it generation wave 24-25...
Its when my aged people are in the same boat...
some married, some enagaged, some divorced, some commited, some pregnant, some with kids, some seeing guys/girls for marriage, some preparing for marriage, some fighting it hard with parents for their approval, some preparing for honeymoon... and there are some more...
Some going through the worst phases of their lives... atleast thats what each of us of this generation feel that this is like the worst sitution of our lives...
Its the wave of chosing your partners yourself, taking responsibility of living with those partners instead of leaving it on parents...
Its the wave of waiting, holding on, testing paitence...
My married freind told me... "Relationships r no different... whether married or not... the only difference is that I have a mangal sutra and I physically live with the man I fight with"
Everyone around me, associated to me are going through almost the same time... whether its in terms of relationships or professional lives... have either identified the partner and so trying hard to get him/her, or going through rejections and reuninciations from their partners for the same reasons that everyone has... differences!, or waiting for the partner to come back, or waiting for the parents approval, or waiting to get a life...!!!
Relationship status changes... from unmarried to married, from single to commited, from one sided to both involved... but the emotions dont change... they are the same everywhere... the heart talks its language in the same way...
I dont really believe that marriage is what makes one commit. I live by commitments and stand for it... a maang ka sindoor and mangal sutra cannot force a commitment if they geniunely didnt want to be together... You commit if you want to commit and once you do... thats it!... there is no backing out then.... whether its working, not working, whether there are differences to deal with, fights and misunderstandings, the killer silence therapies or fireworks sounds... you learn to live with it all... coz its your word! your commitment! your stand!
Life looks like a hoax, a joke, a ridiculous game, completely hollow if you then back out from your commitement.
Dealing is obviously the most difficult part of life... easiest is to escape by saying its not working, so let me back out now before it gets too late and we get further involved! How far can you run this way, how many relationships can u escape this way, how far can u run!? how far!? coz one day... will be your day! and you will have to deal with whats there... instead of whats not there!
Reminds me of the dailouge from Runaway bride... though not the exact words but vaguaely... "I gurantee that one day either one or both of us will definately want to get of out this relationship, it will be that tuff... but if we dont get together than I will regret it more than anything else"... Thats exactly what happens... we get into relationships and than cant handle it, cant maintain it and hence get out of it thinking we dont deserve this stress but if we hold on in such times only then we realise there was so much more to it than just seeing the differences!
I look around and feel drained coz I see almost everyone going through this...
On the flip side I feel... its good that all of us in this age group is going through these times together... coz only then we can stand by each other! Not that anyone can reduce anyones pain... each of us has to go through our set of pain ourselves only, no one can exchange their shoes of pain... but what we as together can do is... support to "hold on", support each other to "hold on"!
Guess the key word of this gen wave is "hang on"... "wait for a while"... "be patient"... Let life find its way out itself instead of you trying to push it in a way that it leads to either isolation or destruction!
A freind told me "we loose soo many precious moments to live because we cling to our little ego or state of stuck mind when something doesnt happen the way we wanted"... I realised it over and over again when many a times I saw myself stuck in a situation and once I got out of it, I felt I could have lived it in a much better way... I lost that moment coz I was stuck when I was in it!
When you look back... you just see that soo much of your life could have been lived with so much more cheerness, but when in that situation we couldnt see a possibility beyond it... but now when out of it, you know that you can deal it better, you can create a better possibility when in similar situations again!
Happy to be a part of this gen coz can feel a connect to almost everyone who is going through the same times or happier times or worst times... Its time, to give time, time!
Will fight this wave thats draining our gen completely... will hold on!
afterall... its the choice of living by a commitment made!!!
I am responsible for my commitment! Gonna complete almost a quarter life very soon! Its taken me a quarter life to understand the value of friends, of said words, of what exists!
I acknowledge and thank every individual's contribution to a quarter of my life...!
In some form or the other this gen is touching lives... ready to make a difference! ready to live for a stand! ready to make a wave... ready to hold on! :)
Its true that no one is indispensible... everyone lives, whether someone is along with u or not, u have to live, whether by complusion or by choice, but u live... Mom used to tell me "aangli jal ma thi nikle aane eeni jayga purai jai! - its jus means that put a finger in the water and then get it out... the place that ur finger took is taken by the water and the place is filled"... it just explains how dispensible each of us are... yet we value so much of the existence in our surroundings.
Thats what I call beauty of life!
Amidst all that I am trying to deal internally... here was a cut & break day.
One's mom was suffering from cancern...
One's grandfather was on death bed and needed medicines worth 2000/- everyday...
One got married yesterday...
One is getting married tomorrow...
One is leaving for honey moon today...
One is a sole earning member...
One just joined a month ago, not even got on the rolls even once...
One was filled with angast on why rules are different...
One was worried about long hours to spend...
One was in tears asking some consideration to be given to the ones outside...
One lives alone, doesnt even have a family to go to share this low with...
One doesnt have anything more left here, so will move out...
One and more... and One by one... everyone...
A day of cuts and breaks... a day 03-03-09... I dealt with. Put up this very strong, insulated me for the whole day... and infact even managed to do that...
but as I walked home alone... started to relive every moment of the day and then couldnt stop from not relating to humanity...
Was amidst of what I am resisting since quite some time. I refuse to accept the state I am in. I refuse to. I know I am resisting...
3 things one can do... either accept, or give up/in, or resist...
Inspite of knowing that resisting will only increase the needle pricking pain that goes deep inside... yet I refuse to accept!
Its cuts & breaks all around... whether its in the material things or in the internal turmoils!
I Fight with the fight back spirit within coz I know this time I refuse to get a life!
Walking on a lonely road...
Came alone... will go alone... met so many in this journey between inhaling for the 1st time & exhaling for the last time...
Lived moments, loved every existence that was around, cribbed over every existence that was around... coz always the want was for some more...!!!
some more love... some more pain... some more moments... some more life!
Accepted people the way they are... but didnt accept people the way they are not! This selfish creature within wants good for everyone around... why? so that the creature within is troubless...
Walking on the road divder with noise coming towards and going away from me... unknown faces not bothered to even look at each other... all in a hurry, hurry to live, hurry to die, hurry to just let time pass away...
Feels like lifeless creatures walking like black shadows of their ownselves around...
The city is full of just dead emotions... as if waiting for an end!
I see a dream amongst all of this sighs and pain within and around...
A wave.... a wave just slowly.... very slowly creeping in... uncovering the mask that every individual is wearing here...
A wave filled with colour... blue, vermilion, bright yellow, mauve, olive green, peacock green, baby pink, purple, brown, maroon, sky blue, lemon yellow... all glowing with neon lights...
A wave... slowly creeping in... on the city, on the living beings, on the dead beings, on the lifelessness of everything, everyone walking on this dead road, on this dead earth....
A wave... catching speed... flowing as if it was water... flowing like a wave never even seen in dreams...
A wave... aiming to wash away the deadness, the lifelessness, the sighs, the frustrations, the pain, the bondage, the terror, the fear, the disgust...
A wave... now flowing like water, spreading like fire.... unstoppable, unbeatable....
everyone, everything just out there... welcoming it... and suddenly... everything just turned around...
darkness became darker... yet it was beautiful, tears rolled like they would never stop... yet they looked like the glowing pearls, there were contractions, antithesis in everything possible... yet there was wonder, there was amaze, there was a little smile slowing catching up to be a long curve on every face!
A wave I see as I walk on this lonely road...
and I give power to my thoughts....
Living a moment... yet again!
What an irony of life!
what a crossroad!
what a phase!
Everyday is actually a new page in the book of life...
quite true like in the song... "roz naya kuch likhti hai tu... eh zindagi... yeh lamha jee lene de!"
To value a thing, person or a feeling... you have to loose it! and by the time you start valuing its existence... its too late! coz that moment is lost and its lost forver... its never going to be back... its never going to be lived the way it was planned! The moment is over!
There is always a positive side to everything and so it is to even this part of loosing...
as its said... "everything happens for the good!", "you get what u need, not what u want" etc etc... all this holds true but the fact remains... the moment which was in thoughts is lost and its lost forver! and untill so many such moments are lost, its value is never felt!
what an irony but life prooves it to you... again and again! and it wasnt enough once... so it will proove it to you again and again!
Standing at the same point where I started... just like a camera pan's... I feel life just panned by and I am standing at the same point... no difference of even an inch!
Is there a problem within or its in the life that just panned by? wondering on the game life is playing and its also royally enjoying itself!
whats ahead is obviously unknown... it brings anxiousness and fear, at the same time wonders! Its said... Its all in the mind! Yes... its all in the mind... then, then what does the heart do? If mind plays the dominant role then why does the heart have to take the pain?
Laughing and crying at the same time... what an irony!
Loose it... to value it!.... Hence prooved!
Its Valentines Day today so thought of Thanking Love for being Love!
We give so many meanings to Love... trust, understanding, attachment, lust, power, madness, pure, commitment, blind, energy, painful, distraous, foolish, sacrifice etc etc... but the truth is... Love is Love! plain & clear...
Then there are different types of love, we categorise it... Unconditional love, infactuation, crush, possesive, crazy, temporary etc etc...
But is Love really definable or does it need to be defined?
Love is Love! No meanings attached to it...
Its either there or its not there.
It makes you feel on the top of the world, makes you feel like the best thing on earth!
Love is everything to those who can feel love and is nothing to those who dont want to feel love.
It cant be defined... Its there and it can be felt. It cant be quantified or categorised. You cant set deadlines to it. You cant hide it or forget it if its there. Its evident if its there.
Its contagious and heavenly! You are at peace inspite of utter chaos within you. The pain and suffering is the outcome of expectations we have on love.
Love is Love and you are at your best when in Love!
Love more... !
Era's after era's! Years after years! This has been happening....
Women giving the Agni pariksha for their Men... Sita gave this test by walking on fire... and ever since then this repeated in every era, every period of time!
One version says... "Ram had never doubted Sita's purity even for a second, but, as he explains to a dazzled Sita, the people of the world would not have accepted or honoured her as a queen or a woman if she had not passed this Agni pariksha before the eyes of millions, where Agni would destroy the impure and sinful, but not touch the pure and innocent."
Another version of this, was that "Rama had known Sita was going to be abducted by Ravana ahead of time. So, he entrusted her to Agni Dev, or the God of Fire. Rama did this so that he, who in reality was Vishnu, could kill Ravana. Sita, in turn, left behind a "shadow", or twin-like version of herself behind. The "shadow" Sita had been abducted by Ravana. Therefore, the lila of Agni Pariksha was to retrieve the genuine Sita from the temporary care of Agni Dev. "
(Source: Wikipedia)
I am not blaming anyone here... Nor Ram! Neither Men!
No one is at fault! No one is to be blamed!
If life has some rules... so be it! Living it!
10% Love, brings 20% Pain & suffering along with it... Thats life... not complaining!
Being a woman is an honour to life! is an honour to live!
A lot runs in the head all the time at a very high frequency rate... brings suffering, pain, frustration, emotional disturbances... yet end of the day... their is tolerance, paitence & peace!
Feels proud to be a woman! to be a strenght of mankind! be it in the form of Sita for Ram or just a woman in a man's heart!
Its Womanpower! Its a woman's trust, faith & intention!
Read this quote and believe in it completely... "She can be the wind below your wings or the reason for your ship to sink!" Choice is yours...
She will give... she will wait... she will smile and she will be by you always!
She is a woman... simply defined as powerful! :)
you get me rockin & reeling, you are so wonderful feeling
ishq mein tere dil rab se jooda hai meine duniya bhulai hai
khudaya khair... khudaya khair...
listening to this song and my head moves with its beats...
khudaya khair... khudaya khair...
Yup... I am rocking and reeling!
wondering how!?
maybe its the power of faith!
Sometimes u just know it deep within u and maybe this time I know it!
I am not gonna give up... didnt take birth to give up!
faith is power and I have it!
I am powerful! :)
Happened again... cribbed, yelled, shouted in pain... Once again it was the same... wondered, questioned, yelled aloud, broke in pieces, shattered...
Fell as much deep as much it made me fall... then obviously the way out was the way up...
so here I am... getting up... climbing up... cheering up... reeling and rocking!
Coz... I believe! and I know... the way ahead is way I choose to take!
you get me rockin & reeling, you are so wonderful feeling
ishq mein tere dil rab se jooda hai meine duniya bhulai hai
khudaya khair... khudaya khair...
;)
19 Days of the new year are already over...
Just 346 days for the Happy New Year 2009 to complete!
Lots to live... lots to learn... lots to expereince... lots to love!
Persisting! Holding on!
Can feel the jitters already...
Wishing everyone a Happy 2009!
strange... random thoughts running in my mind!... how would one define this state of being Happy?
Wrote one blog, but by mistake touched the power button of the machine so everything went off & it didnt even get saved as draft :( ... dont know whether writing the same thought again will be the same... I guess not! rather obviously not... in fractions of seconds thoughts evolve... they get better then wat it was in the last second... and so will this blog, it will be better than wat got erased!
My previous blog was filled with negativity but today I am breathing again! Smiling again!
In the words of Landmark... was touched, moved and inspired by a moment I lived yesterday which made me breath again, live again! I give this credit to someone who did make this difference in just a day... in just a moment!
It was easy to be trapped in resignation, cynicism, resistance, negativity coz all I had were blinkers on! No trust, no confidence, no will power, no strenght, no power! Had got comfortable in this feeling of devastation. Was stuck, stagnant, frustrated, helpless and negative!
Till I realised... I still havent quit.
Everything seemed uphill and the only way out which looked easy and appealing was to give up, was to quit! But I didnt! didnt want to! Was hit and hurt but didnt quit!
Just one day... and everything was back!
Trust, confidence, power, strenght, respect... Hope & faith which was there within got all of them back!
Realised the value of freindship and love... It existed, it was always there but I didnt understand its connect untill now! Never knew the power this word "Freind" has!
As I was writing... this man whom I look up to was sitting beside and reciting a story... Heard it and felt one more door opening up... He said... Once you come out of it, you see the whole world out there and you see there is so much more to it then wat you had till now! Ya the risk is high, coz at every step you will feel like quitting and going back from where you came but if you keep moving only then you will realise that it was worth living so much more than just the 4 walls! btw... this man who was saying this story was Sirjee! and thats wats happening... now that I am out of the well... just like the frog in his story, who was stuck in the four walls of the well... I see that there is soo much more than just that well which is awaiting me to see it, expereince it, live it!
Read this piece somewhere which is like apt for the moment -
"The world ain’t all sun shines and rainbows...... its a very mean & nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.......You, me and nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.... how much you can take and keep moving forward....."
Learnt from my yesterday that... Happiness wasnt called for, I had not expected it, I didnt know that I would have that moment of feeling of the top of the world, but I welcomed it... enjoyed it! lived it!
Then why so much of resistance towards the sad moments... obviously even they arent called for, they arent expected... but those moments also come. They make you feel like the worst thing on earth and you feel like the world is toppling on you as if you are the biggest looser. We ask... why me? why is all this happening to me... etc etc... the feelings of pity, blame and helplessness is so high that you dont see the picture behind it... which is clearly your way to get out of it. Its blocked, stuck. But once you welcome it, you fight it out! Persistence, Patience, Determination... Its easier said then done! But when you hold on to them... only then you see the world opening up the way you desired or rather much better than you even imagined!
You are obviously going to be hit... tuffer times than these will come... but I know now that I will move along with it!
The soldier is ready to get on to the battle once again... coz its equiped with its army, its armour... its fellow collegues who gives it cover fire are its hope, faith, strenght, confidence, determination, trust, love, freinds and positivity!
Yep... The soldier is ready to fight again... Its ready to see tuffer times...
It will not resist it now... it will welcome it... and then fight them too! Just like it enjoys the happy times, it sings and laughs and blushes and loves in the happy moments... it will move and flow in the tuff times too! Its got its backbone back!
Rock on... yet again... ready to conquer all thats in the thoughts!!! :)
Love Life... its worth dieing to live it! :)
Trapped! Suffocated! Choked! Helpless!
Feels terrible…
Its a living dead body walking around, lifeless and pale.
No way out!
Can feel the pain in the body, neck hurts, shoulders pain, legs shake. Eyes swollen because its been pouring tears all night. Hair all entangled, unwashed & open which gives the complete look of loss of hope, loss of aspiration, loss of any spirit to live.
No life left in any of the spirit to fight, to ask, to demand, to live.
The soul looks at the self and cries on its state of what it has done to itself.
It used to have a life which everyone envied, looked upto, craved to have.
And today it’s helpless, living lifeless like the dead.
Suffocated to the core, yet breathing. Trapped, angry, very angry, upset but sees no way. Asks the external powers like god, karma that will this end and will the soul rest in peace. How long will this suffering of suffocation last.
It’s a complete helpless, cornered state which has no way out. There is no way since it’s the fight with self, with those who have given life and with those who have become life.
Can see no sunrise, no streak of light, nothing at all.
All Ready to quit on self!
Dirt! Dirt! Dirt! Everywhere!
You look to your right and you see fear, bloodshed, terror, rumor, negativity!
You look to your left and you see political dramas, corruptions, blame games!
Its only all this surrounding you and much more to live into and to live with.
Fear spreads like fire, leaves no sign of hope, trust and positivity. It’s all buried under the face of fear. No more of any brave smile. It’s the fear taking over much faster than any other thought.
People talk! Blame! Pull up each other!
Someone gives an opinion and the other argues over it to prove that point wrong and it goes on and on because everyone has a stand, an opinion and doesn’t want to step down.
Blame it on politicians! Ya… they get into their own shell when the real time comes and come out of it only when they need votes. They make promises, give big talks and then just hide behind the walls when terror strikes.
Blame it on the security! They are negligent, completely at lapse, not doing their duty.
Blame it on the government! for not creating the right infrastructure, not learning from past mistakes, for not providing for such attacks, for only collecting taxes and not utilizing them in the right direction.
Blame it on the citizens! The so called aam admi! For he is lazy to take care of his own things, for he doesn’t do his own job well too, for he likes to have all the comforts but not get into stuff which are worrying his social status, for he has the casual attitude and approach to things, for he doesn’t like to be vigilant and aware but only hide behind the face of fear. But yes quite modestly, the citizen will agree to all that is said above. He knows he adjusts well, soon and gets used to the circumstances.
Blame! Blame! Keep Blaming more…
Who will listen to you? People who get influenced by you – i.e. your friends, your family, your media, your country’s citizens. They all will surely listen to you, because they also have the same thoughts. They are insync with you for pulling up and blaming the same people, things, issues and situations. Ask anyone, one can on the spot spell out 10 reasons why are we in the situation that that we are in. This is wrong, this isn’t correct, this is not the right way, this is ridiculous, this that… this that… battling to prove own point right!
Everyone is suffering! No questions asked!
Everyone is suffering! Period!
Everyone is angry… No doubts about that… yes soo much of anger is there within, that you just want to get up from your seat and hold those terrorists by the neck, scratch his face with your nails, pounce on him and basically ruthlessly kill them.
So much of information is available. There are soo many news channels, soo many news papers, soo many websites on news. Each has a differing story from one another or repeat telecasts of the same stories again and again.
Who to believe? Whats the real truth? Somebody somewhere wakes up with all this and says I want to protest! Good, atleast someones thinking… But … against what?
Think… why is a terrorist so powerful – he doesn’t hold a religion, he doesn’t have a caste, he doesn’t have a nation, a city, a state, a social status to worry about, he doesn’t have the need to belong to anything or anyone, he isn’t biased, he isn’t differing from his objective, he isn’t fearing!
Now think… whats with us? We have so many biases, so many opinions on everything and anything, so many views, perspectives based on our prior experiences.
Their caste is a problem to our caste, their religion is teaching the wrong things, that state people are intruding in our jobs, that city is getting more importance, this that… this that…etc etc. With so many biases what will you protest against? Will your stand be clean?
What do you want? (By “you”… I am relating to every Indian who is thinking!)
You want peace!
You want to get away from this shitty non violence and live fearlessly!
You want this msg to be loud & clear that this is not tolerable, not acceptable!
You want to tell the world that don’t take us for a ride! Our army and matrys are not here for time pass!
You want everyone to be aware and do the right things! Do their own job well!
You want to clean the dirt!...
I don’t doubt your intentions…
But look through… look through human beings… the problem is too large then quantifiable! Every daam human is manipulated! We think in a direction which only wants to prove our point right! By default we are programmed to think in a fearful, self-defensive, resisting mode which makes all the efforts of any protest down the drains because we end up doing the same things… blaming, pulling up or not doing our own job well.
I am not a pessimist, protestor, provoker, spectator, suffer, gainer, writer, critic or an onlooker… I am also as upset and angry as everyone is.
But how long will we sustain this anger?
I see no solution! I see no direction! I see no end! Coz its only dirt all around, all over the place which only keeps multiplying faster and yet faster.
Mumbai Spirit… the sugar coated name given for all the suffering and pain which obviously gets healed with time as it is. Nothing is permanent… if the smiles and happiness and peace aren’t then even fear, helplessness and pain won’t be permanent!
We get used to this living and adjust to this combination of pain & peace which are comfortably in conjunction with each other.
If we continue living this way, subdued thinking that all will be allright than it means we aren’t justifying our existence! We are accountable to our own lives before anyone else right! So what are we thinking? Is the consciousness so lazy to wake up… its there… but its lazy! Praying & wishing are abstract feelings of hope! It surely is powerful… but isn’t helping when fear is taking over much faster then hope.
No point adding to the dirt by holding a banner saying I protest… Its just adding to the soo much dirt already around.
Then what? What do we do?
How do we sleep peacefully? Or rather… How do we now wake up from the half-unslept sleep that we are into???
Everyday I live as if its the end today, wont have to and get to see tomorrow. Doesnt mean I am living to the fullest! No... Not at all! Not optimising my living... rather wondering on the purpose of existence. Infact thats more of an issue... I dont know why I am doing what I am doing, but I know I am not doing good to myself, neither to people around! Internal drives seem completely missing! Cant wake up my inner being which seems to have gone for a vacation right now! The inner connect with art, dance, music, travel, adventure... everything is faded. I see only fog covering it right now. Maybe the fog will go off... but when I dont know! Dont seem to have paitence at all... The black spidey has taken over again! but its not evil... its weak! its dead! I vent out this on a forum just not the right one! Aggression and Implusiveness just bursts and bursts in bits and pieces... No one can solve anything. Actually there is nothing to solve. Its just me and my state of mind which isnt the way it should be thats kind of getting out of my hand. Dont want to stop it! Nah! Its become one more way of living! Wonder why I have to see the morning sun everyday! Nah... its not pessimissm, its not some demotivation crap... Its a frame of mind which is not ready for alteration. It knows the consequences, it knows the effects, it knows the causes... yet its quiet, its dead! Reading this book... "I'm Ok, You'r Ok" and read this part today where I found that in the 1st yr of your birth, you form either of the 3 life positions... the 4th one is when you alter it when you start understanding. Very interesting to relate... coz What I am today, is coz what I formed when I was one year old. Seems like wow! and that jus makes me wonder... wish I knew this when I was one, would have chose the position which wouldnt be as helpless as it is today. Now its not clutter any more in the head... Its rights and wrongs! I dont see grey, I dont the RGB shades, No! I dont! I just see the black and white and thats what I am making of my living! Dieing or living I dont know... but I dont blame it on anyone except me!I am responsible for every second that counts in my heartbeat. I make it or I break it, I am the king! and I am the queen! I play the cards and loose the game... but I wake up to say... I like dieing more than killing! :)
Even the army doesnt need an injured soldier then what is the attitude all about?
Soldier is the word, the icon, the idol, the power, the face, the meaning i gave to a whole lot of my emotions which i didnt want to define. Woke up to fight everytime I fell when I saw the face of this solider in me. Probably it was just an attitude... a mere illusion of my thoughts!
Realised yesterday... when this freind told me that when a solider gets injured in the army even he has to go to get allright before he can fight again. Never thought of it that way... coz my illusion said that a soldier never stops! never halts! never rests! never gives up!
Reality struck that moment and wondered... is it time I woke up to the real face?
Does that mean... escaping isnt possible anymore. Its not just me alone now... Its a responsibility! cant escape from confronting? cant escape questions which are staring at me with concerened eyes? Does that mean... my expectations need to halt? Is the expectation high or I really dont deserve enough?
Been a loner, been an identity which doesnt fit in the new shoes that I chose to wear! Questions are raised and answers are demanded... not used to it! its uncomfortable! it makes me restless... coz it matters! matters to only the two... sharing a responsibility! it demands dropping my lone adamancy! it demands dropping the me in us! it demands and i give in! Slowly... but yes I give in!
Who matters more at the end of the day?
The injured solider yet adamant or the fighter yet made happy!
Dont want to be the injured solider who cant fight... dont have the patience to wait to get allright! Feels powerful to be on the field... facing! living! dieing! but not escaping any more!
Just some thought and I hit it well...
Yet the soldier m proud of... the real one!
A Moment... a happy one this time!
A moment thats complete! thats fulfilling! thats brought a smile! :)
Feeling good! Feeling happy!
Its festive... its Diwali!
Just want to make my blog feel my feeling hence blogging!
Happy to feel good!
Happy Diwali! :)
Can see! Present! Know it all!
Yet being blind! Call it being selfish, call it being self-centered, call it stubborness, call it egoistic!
Knowing the consequences, knowing the reasoning yet choosing to be blind!
Why? coz choosing the "Me", the my wishes, the my expectations, the my happiness!!!
Here the question is not about conscience... its about choice!
Choice made is to satify the stubborness! Choosing to take instead of giving! Feels terrible to internalise this feeling of intended blindness!
Doesnt it sound like the cost benefit anaylsis, return on investment?
Feels articifial! feels superficial! feels unconnected! yet feels difficult to drop the "Me" and pick the "We"! Knowing that the pay off is high... yet the choosing the I, Me!
Can this selfishness be dropped?
Is giving without expecting possible?
Loosing at both ends! Inspite of knowing this... yet!!!
Wondering... where m I headed with this stubborn unconnect & intended blindness!.....

