It's Life!

Wrote one blog, but by mistake touched the power button of the machine so everything went off & it didnt even get saved as draft :( ... dont know whether writing the same thought again will be the same... I guess not! rather obviously not... in fractions of seconds thoughts evolve... they get better then wat it was in the last second... and so will this blog, it will be better than wat got erased!
My previous blog was filled with negativity but today I am breathing again! Smiling again!
In the words of Landmark... was touched, moved and inspired by a moment I lived yesterday which made me breath again, live again! I give this credit to someone who did make this difference in just a day... in just a moment!
It was easy to be trapped in resignation, cynicism, resistance, negativity coz all I had were blinkers on! No trust, no confidence, no will power, no strenght, no power! Had got comfortable in this feeling of devastation. Was stuck, stagnant, frustrated, helpless and negative!
Till I realised... I still havent quit.
Everything seemed uphill and the only way out which looked easy and appealing was to give up, was to quit! But I didnt! didnt want to! Was hit and hurt but didnt quit!
Just one day... and everything was back!
Trust, confidence, power, strenght, respect... Hope & faith which was there within got all of them back!
Realised the value of freindship and love... It existed, it was always there but I didnt understand its connect untill now! Never knew the power this word "Freind" has!
As I was writing... this man whom I look up to was sitting beside and reciting a story... Heard it and felt one more door opening up... He said... Once you come out of it, you see the whole world out there and you see there is so much more to it then wat you had till now! Ya the risk is high, coz at every step you will feel like quitting and going back from where you came but if you keep moving only then you will realise that it was worth living so much more than just the 4 walls! btw... this man who was saying this story was Sirjee! and thats wats happening... now that I am out of the well... just like the frog in his story, who was stuck in the four walls of the well... I see that there is soo much more than just that well which is awaiting me to see it, expereince it, live it!
Read this piece somewhere which is like apt for the moment -
"The world ain’t all sun shines and rainbows...... its a very mean & nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it'll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.......You, me and nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.... how much you can take and keep moving forward....."
Learnt from my yesterday that... Happiness wasnt called for, I had not expected it, I didnt know that I would have that moment of feeling of the top of the world, but I welcomed it... enjoyed it! lived it!
Then why so much of resistance towards the sad moments... obviously even they arent called for, they arent expected... but those moments also come. They make you feel like the worst thing on earth and you feel like the world is toppling on you as if you are the biggest looser. We ask... why me? why is all this happening to me... etc etc... the feelings of pity, blame and helplessness is so high that you dont see the picture behind it... which is clearly your way to get out of it. Its blocked, stuck. But once you welcome it, you fight it out! Persistence, Patience, Determination... Its easier said then done! But when you hold on to them... only then you see the world opening up the way you desired or rather much better than you even imagined!
You are obviously going to be hit... tuffer times than these will come... but I know now that I will move along with it!
The soldier is ready to get on to the battle once again... coz its equiped with its army, its armour... its fellow collegues who gives it cover fire are its hope, faith, strenght, confidence, determination, trust, love, freinds and positivity!
Yep... The soldier is ready to fight again... Its ready to see tuffer times...
It will not resist it now... it will welcome it... and then fight them too! Just like it enjoys the happy times, it sings and laughs and blushes and loves in the happy moments... it will move and flow in the tuff times too! Its got its backbone back!
Rock on... yet again... ready to conquer all thats in the thoughts!!! :)
Love Life... its worth dieing to live it! :)

Trapped! Suffocated! Choked! Helpless!
Feels terrible…
Its a living dead body walking around, lifeless and pale.
No way out!
Can feel the pain in the body, neck hurts, shoulders pain, legs shake. Eyes swollen because its been pouring tears all night. Hair all entangled, unwashed & open which gives the complete look of loss of hope, loss of aspiration, loss of any spirit to live.
No life left in any of the spirit to fight, to ask, to demand, to live.
The soul looks at the self and cries on its state of what it has done to itself.
It used to have a life which everyone envied, looked upto, craved to have.
And today it’s helpless, living lifeless like the dead.
Suffocated to the core, yet breathing. Trapped, angry, very angry, upset but sees no way. Asks the external powers like god, karma that will this end and will the soul rest in peace. How long will this suffering of suffocation last.
It’s a complete helpless, cornered state which has no way out. There is no way since it’s the fight with self, with those who have given life and with those who have become life.
Can see no sunrise, no streak of light, nothing at all.
All Ready to quit on self!

Dirt! Dirt! Dirt! Everywhere!

You look to your right and you see fear, bloodshed, terror, rumor, negativity!
You look to your left and you see political dramas, corruptions, blame games!
Its only all this surrounding you and much more to live into and to live with.
Fear spreads like fire, leaves no sign of hope, trust and positivity. It’s all buried under the face of fear. No more of any brave smile. It’s the fear taking over much faster than any other thought.
People talk! Blame! Pull up each other!
Someone gives an opinion and the other argues over it to prove that point wrong and it goes on and on because everyone has a stand, an opinion and doesn’t want to step down.
Blame it on politicians! Ya… they get into their own shell when the real time comes and come out of it only when they need votes. They make promises, give big talks and then just hide behind the walls when terror strikes.
Blame it on the security! They are negligent, completely at lapse, not doing their duty.
Blame it on the government! for not creating the right infrastructure, not learning from past mistakes, for not providing for such attacks, for only collecting taxes and not utilizing them in the right direction.
Blame it on the citizens! The so called aam admi! For he is lazy to take care of his own things, for he doesn’t do his own job well too, for he likes to have all the comforts but not get into stuff which are worrying his social status, for he has the casual attitude and approach to things, for he doesn’t like to be vigilant and aware but only hide behind the face of fear. But yes quite modestly, the citizen will agree to all that is said above. He knows he adjusts well, soon and gets used to the circumstances.
Blame! Blame! Keep Blaming more…
Who will listen to you? People who get influenced by you – i.e. your friends, your family, your media, your country’s citizens. They all will surely listen to you, because they also have the same thoughts. They are insync with you for pulling up and blaming the same people, things, issues and situations. Ask anyone, one can on the spot spell out 10 reasons why are we in the situation that that we are in. This is wrong, this isn’t correct, this is not the right way, this is ridiculous, this that… this that… battling to prove own point right!
Everyone is suffering! No questions asked!
Everyone is suffering! Period!
Everyone is angry… No doubts about that… yes soo much of anger is there within, that you just want to get up from your seat and hold those terrorists by the neck, scratch his face with your nails, pounce on him and basically ruthlessly kill them.
So much of information is available. There are soo many news channels, soo many news papers, soo many websites on news. Each has a differing story from one another or repeat telecasts of the same stories again and again.
Who to believe? Whats the real truth? Somebody somewhere wakes up with all this and says I want to protest! Good, atleast someones thinking… But … against what?
Think… why is a terrorist so powerful – he doesn’t hold a religion, he doesn’t have a caste, he doesn’t have a nation, a city, a state, a social status to worry about, he doesn’t have the need to belong to anything or anyone, he isn’t biased, he isn’t differing from his objective, he isn’t fearing!
Now think… whats with us? We have so many biases, so many opinions on everything and anything, so many views, perspectives based on our prior experiences.
Their caste is a problem to our caste, their religion is teaching the wrong things, that state people are intruding in our jobs, that city is getting more importance, this that… this that…etc etc. With so many biases what will you protest against? Will your stand be clean?
What do you want? (By “you”… I am relating to every Indian who is thinking!)
You want peace!
You want to get away from this shitty non violence and live fearlessly!
You want this msg to be loud & clear that this is not tolerable, not acceptable!
You want to tell the world that don’t take us for a ride! Our army and matrys are not here for time pass!
You want everyone to be aware and do the right things! Do their own job well!
You want to clean the dirt!...
I don’t doubt your intentions…
But look through… look through human beings… the problem is too large then quantifiable! Every daam human is manipulated! We think in a direction which only wants to prove our point right! By default we are programmed to think in a fearful, self-defensive, resisting mode which makes all the efforts of any protest down the drains because we end up doing the same things… blaming, pulling up or not doing our own job well.
I am not a pessimist, protestor, provoker, spectator, suffer, gainer, writer, critic or an onlooker… I am also as upset and angry as everyone is.
But how long will we sustain this anger?
I see no solution! I see no direction! I see no end! Coz its only dirt all around, all over the place which only keeps multiplying faster and yet faster.
Mumbai Spirit… the sugar coated name given for all the suffering and pain which obviously gets healed with time as it is. Nothing is permanent… if the smiles and happiness and peace aren’t then even fear, helplessness and pain won’t be permanent!
We get used to this living and adjust to this combination of pain & peace which are comfortably in conjunction with each other.
If we continue living this way, subdued thinking that all will be allright than it means we aren’t justifying our existence! We are accountable to our own lives before anyone else right! So what are we thinking? Is the consciousness so lazy to wake up… its there… but its lazy! Praying & wishing are abstract feelings of hope! It surely is powerful… but isn’t helping when fear is taking over much faster then hope.
No point adding to the dirt by holding a banner saying I protest… Its just adding to the soo much dirt already around.
Then what? What do we do?
How do we sleep peacefully? Or rather… How do we now wake up from the half-unslept sleep that we are into???

Everyday I live as if its the end today, wont have to and get to see tomorrow. Doesnt mean I am living to the fullest! No... Not at all! Not optimising my living... rather wondering on the purpose of existence. Infact thats more of an issue... I dont know why I am doing what I am doing, but I know I am not doing good to myself, neither to people around! Internal drives seem completely missing! Cant wake up my inner being which seems to have gone for a vacation right now! The inner connect with art, dance, music, travel, adventure... everything is faded. I see only fog covering it right now. Maybe the fog will go off... but when I dont know! Dont seem to have paitence at all... The black spidey has taken over again! but its not evil... its weak! its dead! I vent out this on a forum just not the right one! Aggression and Implusiveness just bursts and bursts in bits and pieces... No one can solve anything. Actually there is nothing to solve. Its just me and my state of mind which isnt the way it should be thats kind of getting out of my hand. Dont want to stop it! Nah! Its become one more way of living! Wonder why I have to see the morning sun everyday! Nah... its not pessimissm, its not some demotivation crap... Its a frame of mind which is not ready for alteration. It knows the consequences, it knows the effects, it knows the causes... yet its quiet, its dead! Reading this book... "I'm Ok, You'r Ok" and read this part today where I found that in the 1st yr of your birth, you form either of the 3 life positions... the 4th one is when you alter it when you start understanding. Very interesting to relate... coz What I am today, is coz what I formed when I was one year old. Seems like wow! and that jus makes me wonder... wish I knew this when I was one, would have chose the position which wouldnt be as helpless as it is today. Now its not clutter any more in the head... Its rights and wrongs! I dont see grey, I dont the RGB shades, No! I dont! I just see the black and white and thats what I am making of my living! Dieing or living I dont know... but I dont blame it on anyone except me!I am responsible for every second that counts in my heartbeat. I make it or I break it, I am the king! and I am the queen! I play the cards and loose the game... but I wake up to say... I like dieing more than killing! :)

Even the army doesnt need an injured soldier then what is the attitude all about?
Soldier is the word, the icon, the idol, the power, the face, the meaning i gave to a whole lot of my emotions which i didnt want to define. Woke up to fight everytime I fell when I saw the face of this solider in me. Probably it was just an attitude... a mere illusion of my thoughts!
Realised yesterday... when this freind told me that when a solider gets injured in the army even he has to go to get allright before he can fight again. Never thought of it that way... coz my illusion said that a soldier never stops! never halts! never rests! never gives up!
Reality struck that moment and wondered... is it time I woke up to the real face?
Does that mean... escaping isnt possible anymore. Its not just me alone now... Its a responsibility! cant escape from confronting? cant escape questions which are staring at me with concerened eyes? Does that mean... my expectations need to halt? Is the expectation high or I really dont deserve enough?
Been a loner, been an identity which doesnt fit in the new shoes that I chose to wear! Questions are raised and answers are demanded... not used to it! its uncomfortable! it makes me restless... coz it matters! matters to only the two... sharing a responsibility! it demands dropping my lone adamancy! it demands dropping the me in us! it demands and i give in! Slowly... but yes I give in!
Who matters more at the end of the day?
The injured solider yet adamant or the fighter yet made happy!
Dont want to be the injured solider who cant fight... dont have the patience to wait to get allright! Feels powerful to be on the field... facing! living! dieing! but not escaping any more!
Just some thought and I hit it well...
Yet the soldier m proud of... the real one!

A Moment... a happy one this time!
A moment thats complete! thats fulfilling! thats brought a smile! :)
Feeling good! Feeling happy!
Its festive... its Diwali!
Just want to make my blog feel my feeling hence blogging!
Happy to feel good!
Happy Diwali! :)

Can see! Present! Know it all!
Yet being blind! Call it being selfish, call it being self-centered, call it stubborness, call it egoistic!
Knowing the consequences, knowing the reasoning yet choosing to be blind!
Why? coz choosing the "Me", the my wishes, the my expectations, the my happiness!!!
Here the question is not about conscience... its about choice!
Choice made is to satify the stubborness! Choosing to take instead of giving! Feels terrible to internalise this feeling of intended blindness!
Doesnt it sound like the cost benefit anaylsis, return on investment?
Feels articifial! feels superficial! feels unconnected! yet feels difficult to drop the "Me" and pick the "We"! Knowing that the pay off is high... yet the choosing the I, Me!
Can this selfishness be dropped?
Is giving without expecting possible?
Loosing at both ends! Inspite of knowing this... yet!!!
Wondering... where m I headed with this stubborn unconnect & intended blindness!.....

Sounds like an impossible task already!!!
How can you discipline creativity???
Getting economic viability to the quality of creativity!!!
Seeing the clashes of thoughts! Restricting thoughts to match the practicality... why? Creativity is like a bird with wings... you cant cut the wings... how will it fly then?
Quality . Time . Budget... looks like 3 Bullets being aimed at the innocence of Creativity!!!
Ego's fight for giving out the best output! Inspite of so many high flying Ego's... there is still a vibe that connects coz what matters is the end result...! Its the result that matters more than issues!
Wont creativity hide behind bars which cost and time creates? On top of all this there is also measuring it... measuring creativity!!! freak... feel pity for this little thing... this little spark which is the reason for living!
Cant let this spark go off... cant even let the economies of it be taken for a ride!!! Its a tug-o-war all the time... wondering will balance be ever achieved or will the pay off be too high for the over-achieving creativity!!!
But at the end of the day of this game of push and pull... there is this one connect to something that makes a living worthwhile! Feel proud to be a part of this game!

Sometimes... Its just one of those days when you want to be left alone... not really though!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u want to say something but say something else!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u know what u r doing though u dont want to know!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u r breaking the illusion u created around u!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u r face to face with wat u kept ignoring till now!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u r flying and drowning at the same time!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u r lost, present yet not there!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u turn deaf to wat u dont want to listen!
Sometimes... It just one of those days when u have this fake smile and a hidden frown!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u knw wat u feel... just exactly & yet cant do a shit about it!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u r fried with feelings, stressed with thoughts & tired of interpreting!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u want to get up and just go away... far away where no one can reach u, from where u cant come back!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u start questioning the things that by default happen everyday like the sun rising!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u r freaked, not handling, going overboard!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u doubt your purpose of existence!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u feel the load heavy, unmanageable!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u want to be ignorant, unaware, not present!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when the drops dont fall off the eyes but remain there as if its their piece of land to live!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u r empty, lone, at peace, inspite of unbearable noise outside!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when ur fingers speak & ur eyes restrict!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u want, u expect, u demand, u think and u drown!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u dont want to give, but want to take!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when the curves on the face talk more than words!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when living the moment is baseless, rather living the life becomes the focus!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when u want to drop the thought, breakfree, create, innovate, live!
Sometimes... Its just a low, a day thats not your everyday!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days when I am me!
Sometimes... Its just one of those days... and its just Sometimes...!!!

Its a turbulence... A chaos... An Uproar right inside the muscular organ which is responsible for pumping blood in the body!
Feel every bit of the tremor and quiver right inside there where voices dont reach, yet there is so much talking!
Lines on my forehead contract with expression when thoughts flow as if it was a waterfall with no obstacles...
I internalise every bit of this tremor... I know every bit of what it is... feels strange, feels weird, feels different, feels strong, feels wow, feels disturbed, feels amazing!
I believe in expression! thats life for me!
The feeling of completeness is expression for me...
whether its drinking a glass of bournvita that mom makes in the morning or drinking 2 glasses of buttermilk in one breath or driving the activa in mad rains when rain falls on my helmet glass and I see through the greenary drooping from both sides of the road... or the intensity in the eyes, the expressions on the faces, the clashes of emotions, the silence which speaks so much, the gestures which dont require words... its all the same... thats life for me!
It brings completeness... which as an expression is my purpose of living!
I Live for this expression... There is a turblence, a clash in my thought process... the rights/wrongs, the can do's, should do's, must do's are always conversing with the cant's.
Wondering... m i too fast in my thought process? does the multiplications and additions happen too fast then required? why doesnt subtractions and divisions happen? isnt this the time... the right time?
I guess I know the way out... yet dealing with the turbluence consumes up all the energy!!!
Am I messing up? am I expecting too much? am I being demanding? or am I just cluttering tooo quickly now!!! haaa... sometimes feel proud at the speed rate of my thought process and my super multi tasking! sometimes feel why the hell do my thoughts multi task so much... it just increases the rate of clutter!
Doesnt take a fraction of a sec for an emotion to change... expereinced it! more than emotion its the decision and choice hiding behind this emotion. Its easy to avoid reaction, to ignore, to give up... whats difficult is to DEAL!!! to wake up... to understand the power our word has.
well... just writing... and dealing... the turbulence!!!
Once again... living the moment!... one moment of chaos... one moment of completeness! one moment of mixed emotions... one moment of staticness! one moment of tears which are just not able to come out... one moment of the curve on the face which is a purpose to live!
Love it... Living it! :)

Just Living the Moment!
Wrote enough of the shit which ran in the mind... Time to give power to my Visualisations!!!
It makes dreams reality!... Living each moment ... sulking, dancing, singing, smiling, yelling, caring.... just expressing!
Its 3:58 AM... enjoyed the ice tea and cheese balls, hearing to some of the latest favorites, working on some excels to not leave anything pending, jus present in the moment!
No more of the fear! Fear of self! Just getting out of implusion!
There is this magnetic power pulling... flowing with the moment.... living it!
Wearing the shoes of madness, of the child ego state which is my dominant one in TA, which is what makes me who I am, which is what makes me smile once again!!!
A freind said to me... Dont sympathize, just kill urself, get out of u! Tuff to dissassociate... Guess I just didnt want to do it! I am present... why do I dissassociate then! but guess I just got a different way to deal it... droping the thought process out which brought the repulsiveness.... picking up that magnet... the contagiousness of the smile, the ripple effect it has on the enviornment, the calmness it brings within!!!
Another freind asked... Living for time being or Living for a life time?... Only then the difference dawned on to me... but then thought a moment... and realised...
Moments take time and time makes a life time... will live each moment as if its the life time!
Just living for the moment! Its beautiful... Just got enriched!!! : ) Thanks to the power of expression! :)

Whats the matter? Is this thought process become a Rebel or a Recluse???
Too much clutter which I aint able to dismantle... makes me a Recluse most of the times... but in the process also becoming a Rebel!
Suffocated to the neck... looking for the way out!
Not listening to the voice within... guess just closed doors and resisting this moment!
What for? Dont know...
But just being a recluse as well as a rebel at the same time!
Living this moment as well! Its fun!

At Crossroads of decisionmaking all the time! To do or not to do?
Analysed the consequences, thought over the right/ wrong yet the dilema doesnt go! To do or not to do?
The characteristics of human - being of an initiator, revolutionary, motivator, responsible... doesnt allow the mind to get tilted towards the "Not to do" mode. The default mode says... Not to do is the easiest thing to do, its running away, its avoiding which loosers do and then the identity of being a revolution clashes, winners cant even think of it!
Whats stopping? Whats the barrier which needs to be crossed? Whats it that is becoming > To do! Fear of failure, fear of loosing the image, fear of what???
I dont really see it as a fear of failure... Its not! Its the fear of loosing the identity which you know of yourself! Blaming & cribing is again easy but it wont solve! Everything boils down to solving all over again!
Something not working & you want to make it work! You become the creator... you create the mess and you create the way to solve it & facing the dilema... To Do or Not to do!
Lots of Payoffs for the "Not to do"... but the cost for "To do" is too high as well!!!
Living in a crossroad all the time!!! Call it an illusion or a way of being... its the same thing!

What the hell!
Yesterday he was sitting on the sofa and today he is in the frame near the sofa!
What does life and death mean!
Sitting in the train… thinking… so many people are here… No one matters to no one… tomorrow if any of us is not there coz is dead today… what difference does it make to any of us here! The train will still come, the station will still be clustered, people will still run… run to race, run for a life!
Life moves on… what a bloody selfish living! What should life move in to! Don’t want to make it move… want to question! Want to shout! Want answers to why on the bloody hell is death? Where does it take away? Away from the moment! Away from the people!
They call it destiny! Mom says “Before time and more than destiny… No one gets and No one will ever get!”
This girl… so young just about to begin a life… her kid so young… and now she is no more! Was that good! What the f***! Cant see any good in any thing happening!
They say... Whatever happens in for the good! Someday we realise it!... Crap! How can this be good... Its good for whom? for the kid? for the husband? for the girl... who had just began her living! what good did it do?
This little girl… lost her mother few years ago and now lost her father! She is roofless now, no one who will look after her, no one who will care! How will she deal with it? What will be her reason to be alive? From where will she get all the power from?
Cant accept death as good! Feel powerless and really helpless when I hear about people leaving forever… death! People have left and got back but this leaving is forever… How muchever you wish for, even if its for a single moment of being together, you wont get it! Coz he’s gone… gone for a non-returnable vacation! They say it was age, he needed a reason to die, so many reasons and justifications to death but the truth remains… now no more!!! No more of him… no more of her! No more of those people who were life yesterday! Tuff to accept… not that anything will change… its happened… its past… its gone and done… but to deal with it today and for the next years is what I want to avoid, I want to ignore… but till how long! Till how long will I not accept! He doesn’t ask for water anymore… he doesn’t call me anymore… he doesn’t care anymore… don’t want to accept that this is it! This is what it will be till someone else says the same things for me! See his frame and feels helpless and powerless. Its not controllable… it’s the only truth of existence! Then what is all this… Why does life have to be an illusion & death a reality! You cant chose it! You don’t want it! It takes away… and none of us want to give away… yourself could be still easy, but someone close… no way! We choose for wellbeing and happiness but what strikes is different! What occurs jus takes away all the things called hope, faith, belief… you want to avoid acceptance… you want to hold on… hold on to what was there… what was life! And to get back to a life… freaks me out!
Life is tuff… and so you wish for death many times not realizing the power it has and how helpless & powerless you are. You are fighting with whom… with time! Who are you to control who should live and who should not live… thats not your job, is that what you can control then whats the point worrying and cribbing! I know there is no point yet cant seem to get that point straight!
I don’t fear death! But I fear death for people in my life!
Loosing a person, a relationship is so deep rooted… cant get enough of the fear of dark! Such bloody selfish thinking… I fear the dark and so I don’t want people to go away coz their going will bring darkness in my life!!! Once again the bloody I and Me!!! You don’t want them to go because you will be affected! Ridiculous & selfish but that’s reality without the mask of looking good!
But Still… Loosing… Freaks me out!!!
Living the moment makes it uneasy!!!

Cut the feathers one by one... thats the better approach... leads towards cutting the wings!
Everytime you chose to fly... you chose to take decisions on your own... there is someone out there ready to cut off your wings! Just as you thought you were ready, self-sufficient, prepared enough & didnt need help, didnt need permissions, didnt need to ask... oops... the wings are cut & once again you cant fly, you cant decide, you are once again down on the ground!
Its strange but happens all the time... there are sooo many people around you all the time, they are your friends, family, relatives etc etc. You share every bit of your thought with them, yet when you are pricked & you are just about to crumple... you find yourself completely by yourself, all alone... facing that moment! feeble & weak is what that moment makes you feel. You are on your own, struggling & fighting... all alone in this bad big world! Look to your right, your left or around, its only darkness... & you accept it or not... Yes... there is Fear of the Dark!!! Everyone fears that unknown, untrodden path, uncertain!
You gather up everything within you and manage to get up again... all ready to take up the next fight, the next obstacle... you chose to chose! you take decisions... and once again... cut cut cut...
The Wings are Cut! & you cant fly & then you feel surrounded by this strange mockery, darkness, helplessness!...
Seems like Thoughts just waived... Smile at them... coz thats the power you have... to form new wings... again and again and again!!!

Is it people... or is it feelings and emotions? or its both?
When people enter our lives... they bring along some energy... some feelings, some emotions to our lives... whether its hatred or love... either of them makes a place in our heart! So, is it that person or is it that emotion? coz when time comes... the person walks away leaving behind the emotion... so I guess its the people who are perishable, not the feeling, not the emotion!
What happens? Why it happens?... gets me to think! but it happens... There is an expiry date to everything... a contract, an agreement, a moment, a day and a person! Death is the ultimate to it all... but just before reaching there... there are soo many moments of perishiablity that we go through! We walk away from careers, we walk away from jobs, we awalk away from hometowns, We walk away from lives... are we walking away? or are we walking ahead? again subject to how we percieve! But its quantifiable... yes very much... measure it with the people from whos lives you chose to walk away & you will get its net worth... maybe in terms of value and weight as well! This perishability of a person is understood only when the cycle is complete... you walk out from someones life and then someone walks out from your life!
Looks quite strange but yes there are so many expiry dates we set before we actually reach the ultimatum of expiry!

Craving for credits, craving for recognition, craving to be heard, craving to be known... is whats seen around all the time! Used to get extremely annoyed with this craving earlier but with time saw and realised thats its the default mode of every human. The "I" & "Me" is soo important... how much ever you deny... you still want recognition.
Observed behaviors, listened to people, got present with myself and realised how easily all of us play this "I am great" game! We say and do things so that we become eligible for peoples sympathy or awe! If you just observe for a while... you will easily relate to what I am talking about... It becomes so important to receive that bit of "yes you are great" for that moment when you have already visualised the future of that conversation & how low/demotaivated it feels when you dont get the credit you expected!
Wish to drop this "I"... wish to break this default mode and act selflessly...
Its difficult... but struggling to drop it! Dropping the identity, to do away with credit, to do away with being recognised as great isnt the idea... but dropping the expectation of getting these intents fulfilled is a difficult task! but try it out... its fun battling and esp when you see others going ahead coz u r stepping back... its more fun! Break the default mode! :)

Hold your horses!!! Hold it... Intentions are unfulfilled & whats filled is the incompleteness of these intentions!!!
Strongly you wanted something... easy to blame it on the circumstances... but guess the cluttered mind didnt have the real intent... otherwise nothing on this earth can stop!!!
The power within is too fierceful... its too over bearing on such intentions... I vouch for that! Its impossible that it will be unfulfilled if I really intended...
Got caught up in playing egos, in the constraints it will create, in giving reasons to the fulfilling of these intentions... obviously after you stepped down in front of the intentions, it was time for the fulfilling intentions to step down too... If you showed inauthenticity towards them, why should it show authenticty!!! clap works with 2 hands & so does every emotion in life!
Its so difficult to let go the pay offs!!! Now I know exactly why these intentions remain unfulfilled!!! 100% of authenticity is lacking! You are actually getting to do things you always wanted to... you are getting to be yourself... you thought the intent was bringing knots with it! You say you are ready for getting tied in those knots which will take away your freedom, your self-expression, your way of independence... will you let go every other intent for this... are you sure??? I dont think so... You are not being authentic with yourself... otherwise you would have completed this long back! You would have fulfilled & achieved your intentions long long back!
I never wanted that intention to be completed... thats why it remains unfulfilled till now... ! Its no more a blame game on circumstances, on external situations, on people... I made my choices! I chose to let my intents be unfulfilled... because I chose!!!

Yeah... The easy way out to every situation, to every problem, to every solution is "Assumptions"!!! I do that more then often & generally get into trouble most of the times! Have Lost loads... relationships, people... loads... only because of taking this easy way out of solving... yet havent moved out from there! Its actually become a practise now, rather a habit! when things arent clear on why they are happening... mind starts multiplying, dividing, adding, subtracting all the possibilities... since the underlying fact is unknown & u r striving & grappling & wanting to know the facts... but u r helpless... all the efforts go down the drains... unclarity of the occurring is there & you are struggling hard, harder & hardest to know that fact which may slap on your face like the reality you didnt want to know... you take the easy way out! rather I take the easy way out... Assuming!... my assumptions are the way I want to think... so if its positive I call it powerful visualisations! & if negative... I generally live with a low! Analysing... why it happened? how did it happen? what? when? why? feel like asking this dumb why's... bloody questions... why dont you just buzz off and let me be! Why is it soooo important to think over, bring clutter, complicate further & at the end of it... feel helpless & devastated!... well.. that was a Why once again! :)
but guess thats what makes a living!... putting meanings to everything in life! Once in life I used to buy the thought that 'everything has a reason' but after doing the landmark forum jus realised that everything need not have a reason!!! be unreasonable... life will work better!...
But being unreasonable also means to give away assumptions... which I wouldnt let go off... coz at the end of the day thats what has become a part of living!
Its really funny at the rapid speed on which the thought process works... You see something not working out... a relation facing its twists, a frown you saw, a fight you witnessed, an argument... & all u can instantly start doing, is to start assuming... 'A must have happened to B, & C has to be part of A, & D & E & F'.. all the dumb assumptions which worsen your thought process, makes u weaker, justifies all your worries, makes u feel right & the other wrong, makes u feel dominant, makes u feel great coz u r the sufferer, makes u feel low & helpless coz at the end of it u just cant get out solving anything with clarity!!!
Its difficult to confront & accept & face the reality which will probably be harsh & rude for the moment but will make thoughts clearer & powerful!... but its so very easy to assume & be at the low of the moment! :) Strange is our thought process!!!

People matter! Relationships matter more than people! But then there is a dawn of realisation which says... Its not dealing with people or relations... Its dealing with Egos!!!
Took up HR coz what mattered most were the people around! How best can I make someones day, make every person around me smile... got to know thats one of the roles of an HR so took it up! People are obviously there in every function... Finance or marketing... but the strangest & the tuffest part of being an HR is you arent directly involved in anything, yet you are a part of everything! you are the unbiased voice who is ready to take shit for no fault of yours! No one cares who you are, what you feel... what matters is what they feel, what they say! This function is called People development... strange na... you work towards developing people in the direction they want to... these are the people who become so very important in your life... there frowns, smiles, their highs, lows matter to you... yet when you ask them, they think you are artificial! thats when reality slaps on your face & tells you its tuff! All that you are seeing is not true... all that you felt wasnt true either! You question where was the inauthenticity... but all that you find is the strange hollowness in every relation you have with everyone around! thats when incompleteness crops in... & you feel guess m not tailor made for handling a function that probably doesnt involve people... but only Egos!
Was obsessed with behavioral dynamics... wondered about implementing every theory, every new concept learnt in the BD lectures! started relating everything to all the concepts learned... to all the people met! didnt know what was working & wat wasnt... but it was fun! Had loved when Transactional Anaylsis was taught... the amazing understanding of 7 ego states, their transactions, strokes, life positions & so on. But when came face to face with situations... there was this reality check that its only Egos flying around! Ego becomes larger than person! You are dealing with Egos... no matter where you are... they say creative egos are much more difficult to deal, but I think that doesnt matter... coz every person is creative & has an individualistic thought & a craving to be heard & recognised no matter who they are! Thats when the games begin... games & battles of the heart & mind! Always wondered why doesnt Heart & Mind be in sync... are they different??? or its just my way of giving a reason to my inauthenticity & incompleteness! But I do feel the thin line running through my spin which I call weakness when I "feel" & "think" of this battle of feeling v/s thinking & heart v/s mind! If heart is different then mind... then where is the soul???... freak its so easy to complicate thoughts! Guess thats when its easy to dismantle it by a thought someone told me... "Its not what I said, Its what you heard!" so I said what I meant... but you heard just exactly the way you wanted to hear it!
Anyways... enough of BD obession... which will never go... Its my way of living!
Its this sensitive function... which requires tuff people who balance out being sensitive too! Its generally not given a high status... its generally taken for a ride... yet its the magic which brings actualisation too!